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Sit withs? *T*

Posted by one.day. , 16 June 2013 · 102 views

Su mention Safe.

Sis, what would you think if you knew?

I know it wasn't you're fault but it was you're decision. Would it be the same? What would you want me to do? You did it. But do you know how unhappy, incomplete, empty I am without you. But that doesn't make it right?

I'm coping. They aren't brilliant ways but I'm fighting. That's one way of seeing it. I promised you I'd keep a healthy weight, never to s.I, be in a happy relationship 'no boy is worth tears', I promised you I wouldn't obsess and re do every little thing, I promised I wouldn't take prescription meds like I used to or touch any type of drug again. Nics, I bet you see me like everyone else does. I'm ashamed. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me Nics but I broke your promises.

Nics, I need you. I need you to be my big sister. Tell me I'm being stupid. That time passes. Everything will be okay. But how can you, when you're not here? Would you have chose it all over again?

I know why you did it, and I can honestly say I know how it feels. But how could you? I've never said it before Nics but I'm so mad at you. We could have helped each other.

I don't know whether I think you made a brave or foolish decision. I don't even know if you are there. I'm petrified of what is afterwards. How can you be certain, the hurt will end just like that?

Nics, I can't feel like this anymore. I'm trying more things. I run, I paint, I sing, I play your guitar (but I changed the strings, yours are still safe), I write, I search the internet for help, I play mindless c**p - youtube, tv catch up, I read. I feel the guilt we never did these things together before that day you left. Would you have changed your mind?

Did you know I would fall? Did you see how proud I was of achieving something and then let that same stupid being knock it all down again. You must of known that feeling of never being good enough at anything but the difference was - you genuinely were perfect to me. Did you feel pressurised, stupid, failure, dirty, not pretty, boring, alone? Or is that just me? Could you feel that weight crushing your chest, consuming all the light and good? Loneliness.

Or did you think we would have been together that night you passed? Do you see me as selfish or proud I survived? I'm here. I'm still here. I can still fight.

July 2016

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