Back (imaginary letter to my mum)
'Your just a dirty piece of scum, that I have to put up with while your mother is s***ing over men, no wonder she left you'.
Did you think about me, mum? Did it ever cross your mind? Why did you leave me? I told you the truth and you left me with that monster for years. You said you would come back for me.
'You're definitely your mother's daughter, you filthy s**t. I know what you like'.
Mum, did you really think I lied? What happened for you to go without me? I stuck up for you. Sometimes, that got me into more trouble but you said you would come back for me. He hurt you. But he hurt me too and you promised you would come back for me.
'Picture time, make sure you don't f**k up this time - at least pretend you enjoy it (like I know you do) or we'll just start over'.
Not that you've ever asked me, mum, but I aren't doing too great. I can see him, I can feel him, smell the alcohol mixed with his fisherman smell. I hear him too. Will you ever come back for me?
'Remember what I said. Repeat with me: you are nothing. Your mum left because she hated you. I hate you. Nicki and Craig hate you'.
I still have doubts, mum. Did you hate me? What did I need to have done? Did he hurt my brother and sister so they would be nice to me? Did they hate me? They left too and they didn't come back for me either.
'You're my little princess. I'd never let anyone hurt you. I love you and this is how we show we love each other'.
Mum, just come back. We don't need to stay. We can just go. Take Nicki and Craig and just drive and we never have to go back.
'Now, I know you love Nicki like a sister but I don't think you actually show it. Ill teach you and then we can do it together. Don't be scared'.
Mum, he has photos. He has films. I couldn't tell you then. He would hurt me again but now I can. Take them off him so he will stop giving them to his friends. Who always came back.
'Keep still and be good'.
They always came round when you left, mum. I bit them and I kicked them, once I spat. I learnt not to do that. He showed me what to do. I used to daydream and pretend you and me were back home.
'Wait until you three b*****ds get home, they'll be hell to pay'.
Mum, I think we actually did pay hell. Over and over. When I finally did escape, you weren't even glad to see me. You wanted me to apologise to him. I was afraid. I am still afraid. You won't listen. I am thankful for you but I came back to you.