Pandora's Aquarium: confused.com/conflictingfeelings - Pandora's Aquarium

i honestly don't know whats worse having to see the perpetrator all the time because their your family or not being able to tell someone everything your feeling. i'm so used to belittling my own feelings that now when i try to speak about it i freeze up and the more i try to work through my issues the worse it gets. but its other things too just talking about my general feelings is so hard and i cant do it
today the sentence keep repeating is iv suffered enough why the hell cant i just be happy why am i stopping my own happiness because i cant deal with my issues i deserve happiness and i deserve to be with someone i love so why when there is someone ready to love me ( and that doesn't happen often ) do i mess it up i bet if someone gave me a million pounds to do it i could but why is it so hard i see people everyday telling people how they feel and showing people how important their feelings are to them and then there's me but the worst thing is i truly believe that people now think that i have no feelings like i'm a robot by the way that i act i hate this i dont want to waste years sorting out my issues i want to spend all this time loving someone who will love me back an enjoying a happy life
i dont know what i should do i need help but everyone moves away from this subject because of how intense it is theirs only one type of person who hates talking about abuse and incest more, someone who's never been through it