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I Cried, First Time In A While...

Posted by Anime2646fairy , 08 October 2013 · 114 views

Usually, I can keep my composure like a statue can keep it's stance, but as I sat in my room alone, something happened. I was doing homework for college, and I was trying to get it finished before bed, it was 2 in the morning, and something felt odd. I pulled open my drawer to find my box of pocket knives that I collect. I found myself looking at the one that once pierced my chest. It hadn't been opened for a long time, and when I opened it, a feeling of memory washed over me... I wanted to throw it away, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was almost sentimental to me, and because of it, I had to keep it, and make sure that it never left my side.
You know, after that, I felt sadness, but no tears, I told myself I wouldn't cry. The last time I cried was when I heard my father was going into operation, and that was in public with some friends. They didn't understand, nor would they. In my community, barely any couples are divorced and one of their parents more than a couple hours away. My father is a couple days away from me, and it makes it hard to try and help him with whatever he needs help with.
But the more I thought about the knife, the more I thought about when I told my mother about my step father and what he did to me. She didn't really do anything about it... He's still around and still a jerk to me, despite my trying to be nice to him just for my mother. I thought fate was playing a trick on me, when my music turned to the song "When She Loved Me," from "Toy Story 2." That's what hit me the most, and the tears came flooding out.
I probably cried for an hour or two, and no one heard me. I thought that I was alone, and no one would ever care about me. But that's when I got a text from one of my good friends, who said he had an odd feeling and that he should check on me to see if I was ok. I told him that I was just having a rough night, and he told me that he was willing to talk about it, but I told him it was a long story, and I just wanted to get my mind off of the whole thing. So he talked to me about other things in life.
We got on the conversation about taking pictures of ourselves, and he mentioned that he had low self-esteem, and I told him he couldn't beat me in that department. He then listed what he loved about himself, and asked me what I thought my best trait was... I proceeded to tell him, that I didn't have any. There was nothing for me to love about myself. I could not love someone who could let people push them around for the longest time, and do nothing about it, letting themselves be pushed, shoved, forgotten, and never finding what they truly want. He then told me that I shouldn't think that way, no matter what happened, no one deserves to be unhappy, and everyone deserves more than what they think they have. But when I told him that isn't true for everyone, he gave a chuckle and said, "well, those who have to ruin others lives to get what they want are scum, and they don't need more happiness then what they force from others." Boy that is too true, but he will never understand the pain that I went through to get where I am. I just wish there was some way to say something, anything to him to say thank you, but my life is hard... So I told him to listen to "When She Loved Me," and over the phone we sang together.

When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart,
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears,
And when she was happy, so was I,
When she loved me.
Through the summer and the fall, We had eachother,
that was all...
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be,
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her,
And I knew that she loved me...
So the years went by, I stayed the same,
But she began to drift away, I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day, when she'd say,
"I will always love you."
Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way.
And she smiled at me, and held me,
Just like she used to do, Like she loved me,
When she loved me.
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together, lives within my heart,
When she loved me...

When we finished the song, he knew immediately that we were talking about my mother, and I felt my heart sink. He told me it was ok, most people have this issue, and that it's normal to want something more than what they have.
He was a real help that night, and I never got the chance to say thank you, but when I see him next, I will... I promise to him, and myself, that things have to change. For now, and forever.

October 2015

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