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Sleeping Troubles.

Posted by Anime2646fairy , 04 October 2013 · 107 views

Do you know how difficult it is to wake up screaming, then realize your spending the night at a friends house, making everyone around you wake up in terror thinking something is really extremely wrong, then tell them it was just a nightmare, and that it was just really scary, but when they ask you what it's about, you can't tell them because they don't know what happened to you? Holy crap, that was one of the worst nights I have ever had. I felt the pain again, I could feel my own body break, and I could even hear the worst of my cries in my own head. I never thought that my nightmares could get this bad. I never thought...
Man, explaining this kind of thing to your best friends who think the worst thing that happened to you in your life was the fact that your step father is a jerk, and that your whole family doesn't really accept you. They have no idea what I have been through, and they don't want to know either. They have both lived really innocent lives. They have never been exposed to what I have been through. Man... I can't tell you how much I wanted to cry after getting yelled at, or feeling neglected or bullied, but I kept my head held high because they don't need to see the side of me that's broken. They don't need to see the side of life that isn't fair, or that isn't what they wanted it to be. They need to see my mask, my smiling mask. The one that says "everything is fine," the one that shows them that I have never felt pain, neglect, or anything else.
Is it wrong to keep that from them? Is it wrong to keep secrets from my friends? I'm really not sure what to think... I would like to say that I was an open book, and that nothing had ever happened to me, and that nothing will ever happen to me, but... all I can say is that there was a time in my life that I want to forget, that I want to keep a secret. But, just like life is unfair, so is mine. I can't tell you that it only happened once... cause that would be a lie. I am a survivor of now 5 attacks on my "virtue" if that's what you want to call it. And yet... my friends don't know about even 1 of them. How sad is that?
I would love to tell them, to let them know everything, but that would be to take away the innocent exposition they have on the world. That would take away their thoughts of me being happy and being content with life. That would take away everything they know about me. I just wish that there was something I could say or do that would explain everything, but there isn't. And there never will be...

This is a song from the broadway musical "Spring Awakening" called "Don't do sadness/Blue wind." The song is about two characters that have been through a ton of crap and they hide their sadness. The male, is coming from a house where he is expected to do the impossible, and can't get away from his abusive father, and his mother who doesn't lift a finger to help him. The girl is a runaway, she was raped by her father, then when she ran away to another home, there she was raped several more times by men she thought she could trust. I've never seen it, but that is the gist of it. I could be wrong, but that was my understanding.

"Awful sweet, to be a little butterfly. Just winging over things and nothing deep inside. Nothing going, going wild in you, you know. Your slowin by the riverside or floating high and blue. Or maybe cool to be a little summer wind. Like once through everything, and then away again. With the taste of dust in your mouth all day, but no need to know, like sadness. You just, sail away, Cause you know, I don't do sadness, not even a little bit. I just don't need it in my life. Don't want any part of it. I don't do sadness, hey I've done my time, lookin back on it all and it blows my mind... I don't do sadness, so been there, don't do sadness, just don't care..."
"Spring and summer, every other day. Blue wind gets so sad, blowing through the thick corn, through the bales of hay, through the open books on the grass, spring and summer. Sure, when it's Autumn, the wind always wants to creep up and haunt you. Whistling it's got you. With it's heartache, with it's sorrow, winter wind sings and it cries. Spring and summer, every other day. Blue wind gets so pained, blowing through the thick corn, through the bales of hay, through the sudden drift of the rain. Spring and summer"
"So maybe I should be some kind of laundry line, hang there things on me, and I will swing them dry. You just wave in the sun in the afternoon and then see, they come to set you free, beneath the rising moon, Cause you know (spring and summer) I don't do sadness (every other day) Not even a little bit (blue wind gets so lost blowing through the thick corn through the bales of hay) Just don't need it in my life don't want any part of it (spring and summer) I don't do sadness (every other day) Hey I've done my time looking back on it all and it blows my mind (Blue wind gets so lost blowing through the thick corn through the bales of hay)"
"I don't do sadness, So been there, don't do sadness just don't care"
"through the wandering clouds in the dark, spring and summer"

Most of those parts are done in sync but it's really hard to write lyrics. But all in all, it's a really good song, and explains a lot of me without totally revealing everything. Just like an open book without any words...

May 2015

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