Do you try to convince yourself it was not that bad? or that it was not real?
What happened when I was 14, I don't tell myself it wasn'treal but I do tend to self-minimise it. I recently disclosed to my vicar (who was FANTASTIC about it) but I started off by trying to explain that it wasn'treally violent or anything and I felt guilty for not fighting more etc. Afterwards one of things he said (the first thing he said was that he believed me and that I could trust him and that he would never take advantage of me, which was exactly what I needed to hear) was that he found it interesting that I said it wasn't violent, when actually, when you consider that a man older, stronger, a lot bigger and in a position of authority was forceful, and frightening and pushed me around, pushed me to the floor and grabbed me by the hair etc, that is actually violent. He had a point and it had not occurred tome before and has changed the way I think about it now.
In the same way, I was raped by my husband about 5 week sago. I haven't posted on Pandys about it yet, I sort of feel like it's not important enough, and one of those reasons is because I do consider it not violent. My husband didn't hit me or threaten me or beat me. But he DID force my legs apart and physically pick me up and move my body where he wanted it. I did have bruises afterwards and I did bleed.
I suppose what I'm coming to realise is that ALL rape is violent by its very nature. Even if it's not physical violent to your body then it's definitely violent to your soul.
With my husband, because he is still at home, I do sometimes feel like maybe I'm going crazy and it was all a dream. Was it all in my head? But then I will remember and my body will remember and it all comes flooding back and I know, no, it happened.
These things happened and no amount of wishing them away will make it un-happen. I am doing myself an injustice by minimising what took place and the impact it has had on me, both then and now.
And actually, by being brutally honest with myself about what happened makes me realise how strong I actually am and how far I've come and how proud I can be about what I have achieved in my life.