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paintinblue2013's Blog


Feeling Blue

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 30 January 2013 · 63 views

I had court last week. I got to say what I had to about the rape, and it still didnt change anything, I still got one count against me. As I told the judge and explained my side. I realize why this guy admitted to the rape after two years. That statue was up after two years and literally there was nothing I could do. Its why it kept trying to sleep with m...


The Fear Taking Over

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 13 January 2013 · 61 views

Often now the stress it peaks with court
Here soon just in a few weeks...my mind
It races, the crusifiction of myself on
Brain, like they are trying to somehow
Punish me, and here I think maybe I've
Just got to much on my mind in the not
Understanding the system. How I wish,
I could take back the pain I finailly
Realized how I began obessesed in...


What happen to Safe Words?

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 11 January 2013 · 63 views

What happen to safe words?

What happen to safe words? This is something that has been on my mind

For a while, as contemplating what it means to be a women in this world,

Taught from birth, to seek prince charming, that sex and love intimacy,

Is all suppose to mean something in which you are suppose to feel,

Cared about and loved, yet boys are taught...


Oh How It Never Accured to Me

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 10 January 2013 · 67 views

Here I sit 4 years later reflecting on my path my life in the direction it took me. The people that I have met, the people that I have antiquated, those who have inspired me, those who broke me and those who left me. I often wonder and thought for so long that God hated me. I thought this is the reason that it allowed so many bad things to happen in my li...



Posted by paintinblue2013 , 07 January 2013 · 80 views

I started dating someone new. and its now over.... Its always the same thing they never know what they want (which I take that more like they aren't into me...) I feel like a freak of nature I just get so attached easy, and I'm always so willing to give it my all, it just gets harder and harder each time trying to put myself out there... I know wh...


Ups and Downs

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 January 2013 · 57 views

I am so thankful for this website!! It has been a really great support system even if all that happens is that I am able to put it out there. Its so nice from hearing from others and their kind words and being able to relate!!! Its nice being able to express and let out all the crazy thoughts that run through my head, and even more so...


Just putting it out there...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 30 December 2012 · 67 views

I learned a lot of lessons about what love is not. I donít know if I have really every loved someone, or if maybe it was thought of being in love that made it special. I havenít a had a lot of relationships and never once through my childhood thinking did I think that trying to find love, is harder than the movies portray and that life its self can be so...



Posted by paintinblue2013 , 27 December 2012 · 62 views

I often get jealous of other girls, the ones that seem to have the perfect life, I know everyone has had there struggles but I envy the people with supportive families. People who are there for them 100% of the time. People who have never really had it hard. I know life isn't fair, but sometimes I just feel like its way beyond that....... I just wish...


Why it is so easy?

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 27 December 2012 · 75 views

This has been on my mind alot. I've been trying to educate myself in how rape works, side effects, and commonalities with other women how have been raped, and I still don't understand why not enough is being done to prevent rape. People act like its about attractions, but its not, (those people who say women shouldn't dress a certain way, real...


It isn't okay... Nor God's Will

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 December 2012 · 66 views

Rape was a penalty punishable by death in the Old Testament. In Deuteronomy 22:25-27 it is written that ďif in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death....



Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 December 2012 · 61 views

Hey Girls,

I am kind of worried that there are no laws out there protect women from becoming victims of pornography. This worries me very deeply and with the lack of regulation this allows for women to be abuse and exploited. Our politicians and police and even the justice system isn't taken any steps in trying to prevent or bring justice to women i...


The culture of Sex....

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 18 December 2012 · 62 views

Denial is the worst part, especially self denial, as you can't not comprehended how you said no and still your boundaries so broken. I find it disturbing that men are taught to treat women like a commodity and disregard them when they say no. They get mad and pissed off, and they completely write you off as a person if you donít want to engage in sexu...


I hate dating...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 14 December 2012 · 74 views

Sometimes I really think Ill be alone for the rest of my life. Dating is always so hard. I seem to always allow myself to sleep with someone and its always the same thing. They never seem to want to date me or want a relationship with me and just use me for sex. This is so hurtful. Even after time and time and time of making my intention clear and stating...


Losing Yourself

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 04 December 2012 · 91 views

The depression never took right away
It took months, even years, after to begin
To the feel the darkness of the internal
Sight of myself, as I lost my own conscious awarness,
Years began to pass and I couldn't even
Recognized the face that shared back, held,
Prescriptions as to what began this existence.

This time around I felt the pain, not the


Just for yourself, Just for a Moment

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 04 December 2012 · 76 views

Today give yourself a moment
A second without worries or doubts,
Within which slowly deep down,
Releasing the past, not holding onto
The pain, regrets, or judgments
One carries through the years, for a
Moment at some point today,
Allowing the self afiling prophecy slowly,
Lose its grip as in the moment, each
Day growing the contentment in twined
With the...


Feeling a Little Brighter :)

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 26 November 2012 · 57 views

I finially talked to my parents over this thanksgiving weekend. It was really nice!! My dad told me that he doesn't think I'm crazy. Nor does he think Im a liar, it was so nice to hear that from my dad. It really meant alot to me that he believes me. Even talked to my mother, who was supportive, I appologized to her for our last couple of...


Doing the Right thing....

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 20 November 2012 · 65 views

I just don't get it... I don't get why I am being punished? My whole life, I always thought about others tried to make others people lives easier to do what is right. Held morals, followed ethics, and I am being punished? I don't get it, haven't I suffered enough. I never once threaten the guy that raped me, I never did or was planning to...


Another day....

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 19 November 2012 · 62 views

Today has been a better day than it was last week. Im still feeling down, but my heart feels a little lighter. I have court in to days for the judge assignment. I haven't been able to sleep. Even though I went to bed at 7:30. I think the depression is kicking in again. Somedays its stronger than others. I still feel so hurt, and no good. it kills me t...


Just lacking Hope

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 16 November 2012 · 51 views

Im feeling extra down today.. I don't know if it cus it is closer to the court date, or maybe just the holidays. I just feel so hurt. Hurt by my family, that they don't support me, or are there for me. I am hurt by society and the way rape victims are treated. I hate feeling like I did something wrong. I feel so miserable. I often just think that...


Heres my Story

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 15 November 2012 · 70 views

Here is the sum of my story... This may sound really stupid, but I've been raped four times in one life time.
It began as a child, I was 4 and had a uncle, (who is still married to my aunt) who abused me as a child. I don't remember much of the abuse, there are memories that come back, and intrusive thoughts I tried to block out of my head. As a k...

October 2015

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