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Posted by paintinblue2013  
I feel really down this morning. I began job hunting and seeing the statement that they do criminal background checks and dont hire people with a record. I feel like I am having to reopen it over and over again. I now have explain how i got raped and it lead to an emotional break down even though I had no criminal intent or motivation. I feel like...
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Tags: Poems

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Posted by paintinblue2013  
I got fired from work today....this just makes even more sad. I worked so hard and nothings going right, I even thought that it was over that Id be able to start moving forward and this happens. I now have deal with the fact that I have a record and have to explain that I got raped and that I had a mental break down. I just feel like nothing goes...
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Feeling Blue

30 January 2013
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I had court last week. I got to say what I had to about the rape, and it still didnt change anything, I still got one count against me. As I told the judge and explained my side. I realize why this guy admitted to the rape after two years. That statue was up after two years and literally there was nothing I could do. Its why it kept trying to...
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The Fear Taking Over

13 January 2013
Posted by paintinblue2013  
Often now the stress it peaks with court
Here soon just in a few weeks...my mind
It races, the crusifiction of myself on
Brain, like they are trying to somehow
Punish me, and here I think maybe I've
Just got to much on my mind in the not
Understanding the system. How I wish,
I could take back the pain I finailly
Realized how I began...
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What happen to Safe Words?

11 January 2013
Posted by paintinblue2013  
What happen to safe words?

What happen to safe words? This is something that has been on my mind

For a while, as contemplating what it means to be a women in this world,

Taught from birth, to seek prince charming, that sex and love intimacy,

Is all suppose to mean something in which you are suppose to feel,

Cared about and loved, yet boys are...
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Tags: Poems

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Posted by paintinblue2013  
Here I sit 4 years later reflecting on my path my life in the direction it took me. The people that I have met, the people that I have antiquated, those who have inspired me, those who broke me and those who left me. I often wonder and thought for so long that God hated me. I thought this is the reason that it allowed so many bad things to happen...
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Unsettled...

07 January 2013
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I started dating someone new. and its now over.... Its always the same thing they never know what they want (which I take that more like they aren't into me...) I feel like a freak of nature I just get so attached easy, and I'm always so willing to give it my all, it just gets harder and harder each time trying to put myself out there... I...
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Ups and Downs

02 January 2013
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I am so thankful for this website!! It has been a really great support system even if all that happens is that I am able to put it out there. Its so nice from hearing from others and their kind words and being able to relate!!! Its nice being able to express and let out all the crazy thoughts that run through my head, and even...
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Just putting it out there...

30 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I learned a lot of lessons about what love is not. I don’t know if I have really every loved someone, or if maybe it was thought of being in love that made it special. I haven’t a had a lot of relationships and never once through my childhood thinking did I think that trying to find love, is harder than the movies portray and that life its self...
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Jealous

27 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I often get jealous of other girls, the ones that seem to have the perfect life, I know everyone has had there struggles but I envy the people with supportive families. People who are there for them 100% of the time. People who have never really had it hard. I know life isn't fair, but sometimes I just feel like its way beyond that....... I...
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Why it is so easy?

27 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
This has been on my mind alot. I've been trying to educate myself in how rape works, side effects, and commonalities with other women how have been raped, and I still don't understand why not enough is being done to prevent rape. People act like its about attractions, but its not, (those people who say women shouldn't dress a certain...
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Posted by paintinblue2013  
Rape was a penalty punishable by death in the Old Testament. In Deuteronomy 22:25-27 it is written that “if in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by...
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Help GIRLS

21 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
Hey Girls,

I am kind of worried that there are no laws out there protect women from becoming victims of pornography. This worries me very deeply and with the lack of regulation this allows for women to be abuse and exploited. Our politicians and police and even the justice system isn't taken any steps in trying to prevent or bring justice to...
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The culture of Sex....

18 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
Denial is the worst part, especially self denial, as you can't not comprehended how you said no and still your boundaries so broken. I find it disturbing that men are taught to treat women like a commodity and disregard them when they say no. They get mad and pissed off, and they completely write you off as a person if you don’t want to engage...
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I hate dating...

14 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
Sometimes I really think Ill be alone for the rest of my life. Dating is always so hard. I seem to always allow myself to sleep with someone and its always the same thing. They never seem to want to date me or want a relationship with me and just use me for sex. This is so hurtful. Even after time and time and time of making my intention clear and...
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Losing Yourself

04 December 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
The depression never took right away
It took months, even years, after to begin
To the feel the darkness of the internal
Sight of myself, as I lost my own conscious awarness,
Years began to pass and I couldn't even
Recognized the face that shared back, held,
Prescriptions as to what began this existence.

This time around I felt the pain, not...
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Posted by paintinblue2013  
Today give yourself a moment
A second without worries or doubts,
Within which slowly deep down,
Releasing the past, not holding onto
The pain, regrets, or judgments
One carries through the years, for a
Moment at some point today,
Allowing the self afiling prophecy slowly,
Lose its grip as in the moment, each
Day growing the contentment in...
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Feeling a Little Brighter :)

26 November 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I finially talked to my parents over this thanksgiving weekend. It was really nice!! My dad told me that he doesn't think I'm crazy. Nor does he think Im a liar, it was so nice to hear that from my dad. It really meant alot to me that he believes me. Even talked to my mother, who was supportive, I appologized to her for our last...
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Doing the Right thing....

20 November 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
I just don't get it... I don't get why I am being punished? My whole life, I always thought about others tried to make others people lives easier to do what is right. Held morals, followed ethics, and I am being punished? I don't get it, haven't I suffered enough. I never once threaten the guy that raped me, I never did or was...
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Another day....

19 November 2012
Posted by paintinblue2013  
Today has been a better day than it was last week. Im still feeling down, but my heart feels a little lighter. I have court in to days for the judge assignment. I haven't been able to sleep. Even though I went to bed at 7:30. I think the depression is kicking in again. Somedays its stronger than others. I still feel so hurt, and no good. it...
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