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paintinblue2013's Blog


My Dad

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 March 2013 · 166 views

When I said before that I was never beat, I meant by the people who sexually abused me, as far as discipline goes I was beat often by grandparents, and my father, my mother too, but as soon as I got older I began hitting back which again just was all my fault at least with my mother I did. Not with the others cus there strength did out power mine and I wo...


Trying Really Hard...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 02 March 2013 · 121 views

I'm trying really hard to stay hopeful. I got myself resigned up for classes, Im only 7 credits shorts of my AA, though you think this would make me happy, but it doesn't... AFTER $10,000 of loans, I still can't get a job. I am so sick of worrying about my life, about how to support myself. I know I should be thankful in a lot of ways, I...


In the Midst of a Mental Break Down.

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 26 February 2013 · 138 views

I often think back to when I began finding the pornography on the web. I knew the minute I walked out of the police station even before going in as a circled around the block that they where not going to believe me in what I had to say, and how to explain the gaps in my memories of what had happened. How I got here... and why I never did anything. I had b...


Something That Kind of Bothers Me...

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 24 February 2013 · 104 views

So I was on facebook, checking in on people as any other day, and I see a post about a cousin of mine who is fighting cancer, and has had amazing support through it all. It kind of bothers me, I know I don't have a life threatening disease but the lack of support just makes me feel all the less important. I know its not the same thing but people don...


Something Small We Can All Do

Posted by paintinblue2013 , in Ways to Help, Prevention 24 February 2013 · 117 views

Ever since what had happened to me and as I did research about the pornography industry, and finding and enlightening myself to the statics of rape, porn, our justice system, this still hasn't taken away my efforts to fight against it, and try to get others to understand.

Here is something small, something easy we can all do. I report web sites in w...


Another Day

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 24 February 2013 · 108 views

I was talking to my psychologist about what had happened to me. How lot of people have asked me why I kept trying to date the person that had raped me. He told me that a women that is raped later on in life and at least had the chance to grow and develop some what normally and is raped later on in life, wouldn't have attempted this (not all circumstan...


The Demon That Becomes Real

Posted by paintinblue2013 , in Uncategorized, Poems 21 February 2013 · 132 views

We see what we watch while playing as they allow
Hiding under clovers not to hear a sound
What is next again, the bills, our spills,
Oh those walls where thin, hearing whispers, and slaps
As children try to find delight
In the hell of their parents suffering, the twisted game of life

As we start off born blinded only for world to give us scares


Listen Here Old Man

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 99 views

Tell me old man where it says worthy women was only a virgin
Only a definition written by men, as too the bible
Whom had sorrows and once blinded country men
When god does speak itís never about a losing virginity, only fools in love,
Women too can stand her ground with only truth to say
As in our hearts they did not know they only tired to understand


Language of Survivors

Posted by paintinblue2013 , in Poems, Uncategorized 21 February 2013 · 139 views

Language of Survivors is written in hours of failed suicide
Attempts cause by thoughts of undeserving breaths
Replaying over and over as memories fills with slaps
Of drunken fools holding back hands in protest
Not thinking much differently than a bull in heat
Like a boulder not budging, trapped beneath,
Touch it weakens minds as only frozen moments in t...


Reframing What Is Left

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 112 views

A journey in order to seek truth she began,
Understanding that once were in the back of her mind,
Hidden Lazarus lazulite eyes beneath, though even with this,
Dear woman one cannot imagine the cross you wore
The only thing that to say is it because of that pain you are worthy
We can hope it will go away and crust over like a scar,
In our darkest hours o...


Going Crazy Day By Day

Posted by paintinblue2013 , in Uncategorized, Poems 21 February 2013 · 141 views

Going Crazy Day by Day
A chemical imbalance
Is what they say
Going Crazy Day by Day
Broken feeling, senses off
Helping a pull of mind slip away
Going Crazy Day by Day
Feeling of insanity, confirmed by
Voices getting louder, one, two, or three
Telling me Iím wrong
Contradicting memories flood open heavily
What will it take, make it go away
Going Crazy Day...


Restless Thoughts

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 116 views

Restless thoughts and its 1:03, racing memories flooding revealing
Conviction and contradictions to truth of whatís at fault
Mindless proclamations driven by cultural ways
No free thinking, no choices to make,
Beaten to be shut off, perfectly numb
Still losing sleep, but what does it mean?
Accusations in beauty, for compulsion reactions
Undeveloped mind,...


Foundation of A Broken Home

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 109 views

A chronic stricken addiction to which one thought help set free,
Running from the struggles founded within a broken home
Memories of bottles, bruises that fade away,
Hiding in closets, plugging ears, wishing the shouts would disappear
Eventually late into the night tears would turn into silence
As they sprung quietly to hear only knowing to familiar,


Dear Aunt Mary

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 108 views

Dear Aunt Mary my dreams are scary
A nightmare began to a blind fold unknown
Did you know Aunt Mary as I tried warning?
You to save my soul with in thinking it would have save us all
Slap me again, as I only tell lies
Slap me again and tell me Iím wrong
Dear Aunt Mary my dreams are scary
A monster he is as he say itís my fault
Born to be used only a witn...



Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 February 2013 · 90 views

Star light had fallen, a crown that had been broken
Creative muse of a walking beauty exposed
Damaged and tainted by a sickness in which happen
To be lost within the materialistic results of ripping wings
Seeking revenge only tearing contradictions apart,
In a dark sided world, walking among the living dead,
Opening walls of truth to un-blind for the...


Emotional Disconnection

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 17 February 2013 · 89 views

Do you ever think that people will become so shut off from their own emotions and so detached from this part of the human experience that the minute they counter a person who allows themselves to feel, to be in touch with their own emotions, (the ones that can not fake what they feel or this side of being true to yourself or life in which is your reality)...


Intrusive thoughts

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 15 February 2013 · 97 views

I am definitely in a better mental state than I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. Though something that is still hard to cope with is the intrusive thoughts.

They often come during the day, which I can usually distract myself and try to think in a different direction. However, when laying down at night the thoughts and images becomes more vivid. I h...


Trying to Process

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 15 February 2013 · 92 views

I never in a millions year would have ever thought that you'd be considered a criminal for annoying someone... never did I think I a million years this would be a reason in which my life would hold so many more challenges. but apparently this is the high moral and ethical standard in which the courts uphold, regardless of having no criminal intention...


I feel like i am being punished

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 31 January 2013 · 102 views

I feel really down this morning. I began job hunting and seeing the statement that they do criminal background checks and dont hire people with a record. I feel like I am having to reopen it over and over again. I now have explain how i got raped and it lead to an emotional break down even though I had no criminal intent or motivation. I feel like I am be...


right when i thought things where looking up

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 30 January 2013 · 81 views

I got fired from work today....this just makes even more sad. I worked so hard and nothings going right, I even thought that it was over that Id be able to start moving forward and this happens. I now have deal with the fact that I have a record and have to explain that I got raped and that I had a mental break down. I just feel like nothing goes right an...

June 2016

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