I started reading a book call "Carry on Warrior" The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life" by Glennon Doyle Melton. I recommend it to anyone who has a hard to embracing and loving themselves! I realized after reading this book that I was created the way I am for a reason. Just like all of you have been. That even though all these bad things happened they are not a reflection of who I am. Just like I honestly believe that about everyone of you. (one of the positive affirmations I have been telling myself). Its really weird because lately even though I still go through triggers its has been as often. I kind of see that as good sign. Another thing that I think about often is how when things first start to come to mind is how much hate I was filled it. I was full of self hate, hate for life, or God, this planet sometimes even people I didn't know. I was so full of hate and pain that I wanted other people to hurt. It was so hard to see past that. I would have never thought in a million years that I would have grown as much as I have this past year. OR that I would have gotten out of the black whole I was in. I would have never thought that my aching wound in side my soul would feel less broken. I realized after reading that book that its okay to be broken. Its okay to not be perfect. Its okay to not feel whole.... its the things that you are trying to fill your whole that matter....(like addictions and drugs and bad relationships) or books and coffee and breathing and allowing yourself to process and heal in whatever way works for you. Sometimes as cliche as it sounds you do have to hit bottom. and as someone who is in pain and has been hurt its hard to take responsibility for yourself. Its hard to feel like there are things you do have control over like taking out your anger on everyone you encounter because you are so consumed with hurt and pain you do not know how to deal with anything or anyone and everything and anything sets you down a spiral. but even as out of control as it feels you can control yourself, and gain control of your life and emotions (part has to do with maturity as being able to control your emotions is a sign of emotional maturity which takes times so give your self time) and sometimes you have to let out everything you have been holding in which after letting it out (which feels so good, its like throwing away all the garbage of emotions to allow the beautiful canvas that has been your life to shine) The person deep with in you. The person the soul that feeds your desire to live and find beauty which after traumatic things gets scared and wants to hide because of all the fears and stigmas that come with being rape and a "victim".. We are scared to be who we are because we are scared of what we've been through and peoples judgment but in the end you have to stop caring what other people think or judge because the only thing that matters is getting yourself back to sanity and enjoying life again... create your own happiness but doing what you love which you might not even know what it is because you have been hiding for so long and suppressing yourself for so long because you've been caring this big ball of dark baggage and so worried about whatever one else likes and thinks that you but yourself on hold. You stop thinking about your self, your likes and desires and how to do it and get to where you want to be because of all the things you have to break free from. At least thats what I have come to realize for myself...I hope this helps you in your journey and I thank you for taking time to read about mine.