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Rambles of Thoughts

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 13 June 2014 · 223 views

Today is 06/13/2014. I am once again jobless. And feeling down, though not hopeless. I just want so much more out of life. I thought I would be successful and I don’t know if having money is what I want but in so many ways would make my life a lot easier. I just want to pay off my school loans, and now Im starting to think that maybe I should just go back to school take out more loans and maybe end up in a career that way but at the same time I worry that it will be all for nothing. People do not care what your personal life has been. They do not care that you where suicidal and ended up in the hospital and are trying so hard to better your life and make something of yourself. They do not care if you broke and have no way to pay for school. I feel like in so many ways as if my family wanted to see me fail because if I fail than they were right and because I am a women, I will never amount to anything. This idea has always pissed me off, and in so many ways it feels truer than ever before but also maybe this my motivation not to give because I want to prove them wrong. I have been out of work for over three weeks and I think that I have left the house maybe three times.  I fear life. I fear success. Maybe this is why I keep failing my own self a filing prophesy that I am less deserving because if I was I would not have been so neglected and abused as a child and I know these things in my head. I know that they are not true in my heart but I trying to convince my subconscious which seems to rule the best of me. I feel more unemotionally developed now than I did 15 years ago. I just wish I would shut off my emotions but I can. I am more sensitive now that I have ever been in my life and I wonder what it is going to take to build a tough skin. I wish often that I was like those strong idea women in movies that had heroism, lacked fear, and could hide all emotion though I am not built that way.  I had spent the first 20 years of my life feeling invisible and hiding my emotions that when I finally had my mental break down I could no longer hide my feeling or my true self.  I can no longer live in denial it hurts to much and angers the ever bone within my soul because I can no longer deny my own existence. I wished for so long to disappear to die. As what is the point of living you deny your own feelings to which is created by the experiences in which make up your existence. Are you trying to live someone elses thoughts your own life?
I feel really lost in my life at this time. I know people say that “no ever said that life was easy”, but I am tired of working for people that do not appreciate me, that have unrealistic expectations of me  or want me to play this role in which I cannot conform to. I wish I could but I do not think that people work that way. If you are constantly reprehended for one thing after the next why are you ever going to try harder… I hate when people who have had it easy shove them pathic difficulties in my face like oh I did why cant you… well I am different person. Maybe my attitude is not the greatest but there are days that I am happy and upbeat and positive. I am not always negative. Here I was working for a guy who is 54 years old and cannot pay his companies bills on time.. He has his girlfriend up in the office screaming and yelling yet I do not have a “professional” enough demeanor. Oh Negative Nancy who has been fired for being too negative and yet they blame it all on me…. It just upset me that this is how the world works. It does not matter how good of employee you are… life can be shitty, or maybe subconsciously I was trying to get fired.. I do not know, I just know that the environment there was not good for me. It was abusive and I was constantly being sexually harassed.  Some days I really want to give up. I try so hard and it just seems like I do not work well with others… How am I suppose to make it in this world when I can just bit my tongue and pretend like everything is okay? Fake it till you make it? Right but I cannot fake it. I do not want to fake. I want to be real and accepted for who I am not what I can pretend to be it brings up to much rejection feelings from my past. I am 24 years old and I feel more lost today that I have ever felt in my life. I have this war in my head. I cannot seem to get past it. I do try to be grateful. I love the relationship I am in. I love the people I have in my life. I wish I had more friends but trust is so hard for me, and finding people that want your friendship seems even harder. I feel like I am constantly trying to win people over and I am exhausted of trying so hard to in a lot of ways I have given up. Though in others I try just to hide my tears and keep thinking tomorrow is another day. But how many tomorrows before you life is over and you realize that your one of those old people who never did anything and end up all alone?
I wonder sometimes if maybe me and stevens relationship is stopping us from being where we are suppose to be? What if it is the relationship that is holding us back? Yet at the same time I can not picture my life without him even though things are not easy. They are easy between us but there are days I just want him to be nice and romantic and it often feels like I take his actions for granted he does try so hard. But life gets in the way too. I wonder if I am ever going to be happy. I feel like there is apart of me that is so broken. Just dead with no hope. If it was not for my bf I probably would have killed myself already but I do not want to feel this way. I do not want to feel like a failure and like I cannot do anything right. I need just something positive in my life. And instead I just keep falling back into the same place of darkness. I often feel cursed.
I just do not want to live in an apartment for the rest of my life. I want children. I fear that we will never be able to provide a decent living for us. Maybe this is my problem. I think about the worse case scenario before it ever happens. But is this not a natural thought process for trying to make a plan in which will provide stability? Though there is no guarantees in life.  Nothing in life is certain. After being raped I just started to fear everything. I wanted control over everything because if I had control I could not allow any of it to happen again right? I never really felt like what happened to me as a child was my fault though I get angry about it I never really blamed myself it was not until I started to remember the rapes that it began to affect me. As if I was supposed to know better because of what had happen as a child.
I get really angry at God. This is another battle I have in my head the battle between belief and no belief. There is a part of me that feels like I have to believe in a higher calling. I used to pray that god would use me to help others break free from their own suffering to use me as an example for his glory and grace. After the last rape I just could not understand why God would allow it to happen again. Why did he keep letting it happen. I know man has free will but there is also fate and destiny and all this things combined I get up set all over again because I do not understand why this was my fate… and if this was my destiny I was I only born to suffer? And if God is the one pulling the strings that how can I believe that he is looking out for me and my best interest for my own good? OR karma? What did I do so bad to spend so much of my life in emotional turmoil? Sometimes it just feels easier not to believe in god but that makes more sense to me? How am I suppose to feel blessed when all I feel is hated? Or cursed? These are the thoughts that have been running heavy in my mind.  I often feel scared or ashamed to share this thoughts with other because I fear there judgment. Are they going to think I am evil or believe that I too and cursed? Idk… I seem to go back and forth often trying to make sense because if I could make sense of it I would not obsessive over it... Whenever something bad happens it all comes back to the building blocks which seems so unstable. I just have to believe that it will get better. I have nothing else.. 

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