I hope today has brought something good, even if small I hope gratitude is there. My parents were in town this past week for my cousins wedding. I went to my brothers last night and we had dinner and even played a board game together. It was so nice, as we laughed and joked around and had a good evening. I think this is what we all needed. It’s funny that two days ago all I could think about what how I felt like they did not care about me and today I could not have felt more loved.
I've been so angry at them and so hurt that I stopped allowing myself to see the good because there is good there. Even with all the past mistakes and hurt, let’s face it my whole family has been caring around pain for one thing or another and have out lashed on each other in means of not knowing how to deal, what to do, or even properly express ourselves though all it took was this one moment to make everything feel okay again like there is hope for us and like somehow we are a real family. I have spent so much time being anger but the future does not have to hold anger... and we can move on from the past, we do not have to carry it with us even if we cannot understand each other or feel each other’s pain we can be compassionate throws each other and understand that we've all hurt in one way or another and have hurt each other in one way or another but the thing I can be most grateful for today is that the sexual abuse was not in my immediate family, even if it was a father like figure. I let the guy that raped me get so into my head. The day that he told me that my family never cared about me as if they did "I would have never been sexually abused" is not true. That was never true and I let those words wound me so deep. It was not their fault what happened to me. They had their own problems that I could never solve even if I wanted to but they are only human and life was not nice to them either and they did the best they could and we have all learned from that. That is enough for me and at least my children, and grandchildren will never know that pain because we have broken the cycle and pain and the ignorance even if we still see wholes our eyes are open. We can let love in again and the rest of our lives does not have to be spent hating each other or angry or only seeing our differences.
My mother has tried, she is not perfect but in her own way loves me the only way a mother can. I feel at peace today and everyday hope to let more of this all go... I can forgive myself for not being able to trust my parents as a child and I can forgive them for being human, we can let it go together....It does not matter what the past holds who said what or who did what... all that matters is a future with hope and thanksgivings and Christmas in which we spend time making a better future with brighter days and memories in which are heartfelt and up lifting thing. This has been my journey to recovery to healing and I think I can see how it can be done.
I often think about my aunt. I do not know what to do for her. I pray. I hope she finds peace and see the truth has she has spent 20 years in denial and denial has to break at some point. At some point in your life reality comes through you cannot run from it forever and I wonder what she will do once it all starts happening... I wonder if she knew and if that even matters know because I am here not in the past. I can only expect what has happened. I can only allow the future to chance and find happiness. I can only do what is best for me. I am in control of myself now. I chose who I want to be and how I want to spend my life. and maybe it has taken me 5 years to get to where I am now but at least I am here and I feel hope. I hope you find the same in your life and journey. I hope you find your sense of self and where you’re supposed to be. I hope you find peace and healing, even when the world feels black while the skies are blue. I love you and thank you for reading!