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Grand Jury

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 21 May 2014 · 84 views

I testified in grand jury and he has been officially convicted as least for the charges. This is the case against my uncle. This has brought me some peace but my family still questions the accusations. They still do not believe me because I went through a mental break down and because of the memories I shared while my brain was flooding... I get so upset when they start saying how "he was such a nice guy and it seems so out of his character".... It literally makes my blood boil. I hate when they act like they care about me or are "trying" to be there for me because they are not and they do not care.... they do not even believe me.... I wish often that I just had a normal family but I have to breaking myself out of my own denial about it... Separation from them is the only way I feel normal or like I can hear my own thoughts and know my own feelings. I do not need there validation but everyone wants to feel loved and accepted by their family. I guess I just have to let that go though it sounds so much easier than it is. They do not seem to understand that I had nothing to gain from talking about what I went through what happened to me. They do not understand how much pain I am in. I do not want to feel this way. I pray every day for god to take away the pain. For healing I've prayed for years and some days it feels worse than others. Here you are with all your guts hanging out and more vulnerable than you have ever felt in your life and they just stand around poking with a stick. I do not care what there prospective are. I do not care how long they have known him. It was only me and him in the room. They where not there when it happed. I did not mix up who the abuser was. My Aunt’s day care closed because other parents stopped bring their kids around because of what he was trying to do with the other underage girls. He tried groping one of my cousins when she was 10 and they all manipulated her and told her he was just a "touchy feely" kind of guy. I feel like I am banging my head against the wall sometimes and like they are all against me. I hate the feeling because I did not do anything wrong. My mother said I always lied to her and this is true, but that’s because when I was honest with her she would call me a liar, she did not want to hear that I wanted to go to college, she did not want me hanging out with American’s and I was always reprehended for who I was and how I felt. You cannot have a real relationship or truth built on false premises. Sometimes I really hate her. I know you’re not supposed to hate your mother but I do hate her. For never sticking up for me for ignoring me for 14 years and then trying to come around and even than it was only when I could act in a manner in which she thought was "approving". I wanted her to love me not who I could pretend to be. I often feel so alone. I know there are people that have gone through worse and that we all have our own journey in life and to embrace it but I don't know what I am supposed to learn from this. I don't know how to deal with it and I don't know who to turn to because often I do not like the advice people give me is not what I believe or even nice of them to say nor does anything ever seems like enough....I got fired from my job about two weeks ago for being "too emotional" which I don't even think it is true as I felt I have been more stable than I have been in a long time. Though one of the managers didn't like me and told my boss that if he didn't "fired me she was going to quite"... I hate being put in positions in which I have to kiss peoples ass but I just am not good at it. I am a real person and I am not going to sugar coat things just because its what they want to hear... I cannot live in denial, I refuse it and often this aspect of my personality makes it difficult to live in this world and try to make something of my life. In addition my boss was narracistic and seemed to only see the wrong, I may be made a total of five mistakes while being there for 9 months and in the end that’s all that matter. One of the other designers and him sat there and tried to tell me how much they love my worth ethic and are so appreciative of what I did for them, yet here they were firing me. I hate the mental games. I often feel like such a failure because I am trying so hard and still am not where I want to be. Things become black even with blue skies. Though I still find happiness in little things. I am so thankful for my boyfriend. He has been such a rock in my life. He sees me as good person, even when I feel like curse... I wanted so much more out of life and instead it often feels like I would just be successful if I could just make it through one day without feeling such self-hate. As a child I thought that that reason my uncle chose me was because I was the ugly one. Because I was not smart enough and easy target because of family life. I feel like now I am the target with the family dynamics. Like somehow hating me makes it easier for them to deal with being so mean to me growing up. I do not get why everyone is so hard on me.... Why am i such a easy target. Though despite all this I try to be positive. I am trying to put it all behind me as he is behind bars and at least for now no one can be hurt by him.
I wish my family understood that the biggest personality trait amongst a pedophile is not "how nice he is" but the manipulation. This is what they do not understand about sexual abuse. About the control and manipulation, as it is not even about the sex. It is about the control and manipulation.

July 2015

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