Pandora's Aquarium: My Dad - Pandora's Aquarium

When I said before that I was never beat, I meant by the people who sexually abused me, as far as discipline goes I was beat often by grandparents, and my father, my mother too, but as soon as I got older I began hitting back which again just was all my fault at least with my mother I did. Not with the others cus there strength did out power mine and I would just tell my self, a few minutes and its over, the more I got beat, the less it hurt and the more numb I began to feel. I don't want people to get the wrong Idea of my dad. I love my dad. I respect the person he has grew up to be and how he has changed, realized his faults and even his own anger. He can open up now about it, and even admit his mistakes. Its painful to hear, but that realization alone is priceless. I can forgive and even understand where his anger came from. As a child, I don't know why, I never blamed myself for my parents relationship, there problems, or the culture and generations chains and patterns we were all fighting against. He was a good provider, this I can say. We also had food and roof over our head. I learned a lot by watching him, what to do, and how not to act.

I remember when I was 15, we lived in Minnesota at the time, and I was walking by the shop he had on the 27 acre lot, the only thing they ever owned in where held any value to them, he sat on the steps, and I heard him let out the most heart filled cry, I never seen, or heard a man cry like that before. I never had seen my dad cry before, it still brings pain and tears when I think about it. Cus I still do feel their pain.

My dad was born in Benji, China. His family, from what I know was running from communistic Russia. I don't know all the details though I was told that my grandfather, my dads dad, spoke five different languages and that there family was higher up in the social class. They ran and ended up in China, later getting kicked out from China by the Chinese Government in hopes of not starting war with Russia. They went to South America until he was 14. He never went to school, and later my mother taught him to read and write in both Russian and English.

I was also told that my grandfather when drinking had a worse temper than my father. He would get drunk and threatened to kill my grandmother in front of the children while holding up a knife to her throat. So I understand where my father learned his behavior. I can only imagine where my grandfathers anger stemmed from. Though I think alot of it had to do with lack of success and feelings of failure because of having to constantly start over. My dad at one point started his own furniture business. It began to sink as they found out a couple of the employees and even the accountant, (might not be completely accurate, this I've just gathered from here say and pieces of information my father told me.) where embossing money. When I asked him why he didn't sue, he said "weather they where feeding there children, was all that was important, and he knew he could provide no matter what for his own family". I watched as it all failed, I was between the ages of 2-4 though I couldn't comprehended the concepts, I understood the growing stress and tension between my parents, and my fathers sadness, maybe this is why I wanted so much more from life, so that in some ways I could save my parents and help them see, how much they did do for us, even if they where crazy and dysfunctional.
My dad lost his father early, at young age, he was electrocuted on there farm. I never got the chance to meet him though I wish I could have. It was just a freak accident. He also lost his oldest brother of 9. He was shoot down by a police officer, cultural differences in which I guess in Brazil, you could scare the police by shooting a gun in the air, in America that's just suicide. He left behind 8 or 9 children, I haven't meet most of them. My moms sides is different and maybe even a need for a different post.