Pandora's Aquarium: Trying Really Hard... - Pandora's Aquarium

I'm trying really hard to stay hopeful. I got myself resigned up for classes, Im only 7 credits shorts of my AA, though you think this would make me happy, but it doesn't... AFTER $10,000 of loans, I still can't get a job. I am so sick of worrying about my life, about how to support myself. I know I should be thankful in a lot of ways, I know I should be grateful for the little that has been given to me, but its not enough, I just want a break, a break from life, and opportunity to be successful, and yet I feel like this freak who has emotional problems due to being raped and half the world acts like its my fault. That I didn't do enough, or didn't try the best I could in what I could.

The more time that pass the more like a failure I feel. I know many people through out history had many failures before ever accomplishing anything, or even it wasn't until after they where dead that anything they had to say ever meant anything, but I don't want my life to be like that. I want to feel like I accomplished something yet I have no Idea where to even begin to try. I thought College was the answer and granted I thought this would be the solution to all my answers, like all it would take was going to school for someone to see something in my that they could believe in, pull out, or even help change, and instead I just feel like there was nothing. Nothing about the 1 year of counseling I sought help for, instead it was just constantly repeating what happened to me and trying to make sense of it. I didn't, and don't have money, so all the resources I tried, where free or low cost, nothing ever lasted long enough to be anything significant to help change the depression or how I think, or even what I think of myself. Nothing about my life even remotely suggests that I will ever amount up to anything. Even the psychologist I'm seeing I was only approved for 4 sessions cause apparently I'm not in "crisis", but if I try to kill myself or end up in the hospital a couple times than Ill get proper help.

Even in elementary school and high school I left like even my teachers didn't care and didn't know what was going on with me, they thought I was just a bad kid, with a bad attitude... All I can continuously think Is that I wish I never went to the police, that I never thought that something right would come of it, "as his own admission never meant anything" as far as the courts are considered. So much for justice depending on truth. I feel like I've been lied to my whole life. I want to have hope and try to keep my head up high and even then day by day I feel it all going away. I just feel like I'm falling into a deeper and deeper depression. I feel like my whole life, I was better off dead. I never had left liked by anyone, or like I contribute anything to this life, to world. All my hope is just fading, all the people I tried to reach out too, maybe they never got the emails, or sincerely didn't know how to help, but all the more makes me feel like a freak. I was told that opening up wouldn't be healthy for me, and the lack of people who would reach out would just make me feel volunreeable and it does. I wish I was a guy sometimes, like that would stop my chances of being raped, I know statically that isn't true, but I just feel like if I was a guy, I would have been treated better, given more chances, and people wouldn't be so hard on me. I feel like society is even harder on girls, (when I was put in jail, the girl that was asking questions, I don't know what for exactly, but she said that girls, women are more relziant, meaning they have a better chance at recovering) I just felt like she was telling me because I am a girl, I am suppose to take the abuse because I have a higher chance of recovering from it.... I hate this world, I hate people... I just wish I was a fish.