Pandora's Aquarium: In the Midst of a Mental Break Down. - Pandora's Aquarium

I often think back to when I began finding the pornography on the web. I knew the minute I walked out of the police station even before going in as a circled around the block that they where not going to believe me in what I had to say, and how to explain the gaps in my memories of what had happened. How I got here... and why I never did anything. I had been raped three times previously and might as well told the guy to rape me. When I met it him, I was still grieving things from past experiences in which I didn't even want to deal with. I was fine and what the hell mattered if he raped me, or even used me like a prostitute without my conscious realization, I was so dead on the inside, I felt nothing. Just fear. Isolation, and slowly just increasing the thoughts of suicide. How to get help, people outside my control of my brain. How to get someone to believe me, and being stupid and trying to understand all the sarcasm in which he spoke. The lies the treats, how it all began to speak to me, only after him telling me he was raping me and using me. IT completely shook my mind. My own understanding in thinking I was so careful with this guy, in trying to protect myself, and even him. Thinking some how one day he'd realize the compassion I tried to give, I gave away.... The police officer that day, told me "If I even showed one picture that wasn't me than, they wouldn't look any further. That it didn't matter if their where real pictures, if they didn't believe me. No one would." This all just clouded my mind, as my emotions rose, and hearing repeatedly the words he spoke in saying that if I went to the police "He'd have me right where he wanted me." The same night he was black mailing me. How I thought compassion would change people, that people had to have compassion, and he had none. Lieing to me (how this hurt more than the rape or what I can remember anyway), lying about what he did. Asking questions, just wanting closure, and in all this I am the criminal, as I couldn't even defend or comprehended what had happened to me, why I tried to trust him, and the investigation or people taking over claiming to serve and protect the innocent, as the all just stood by and watched him get away. It didn't even matter his own admission of what he did. How do you fight this? and If someone says an attorney I will scream! No matter the letters I wrote or how many could say the same things about the process in which they claim to serve and protect the innocent, this all mean nothing, a process in which doesn't work and only punishes those who have been victims of rape, even though there are laws against this, disregarding the time constrains, as the time has nothing to do, with the act of violence, the action of using and raping people a world in the dark secrets of the pornography industries that is fueled my money, motivation, and intent to rape women. It doesn't matter the statics or that 80% of women are raped before 30, and they claim this isn't a form of slavery. They dont help, they don't see, they do not understand what rape is!!! How it angers my bones to live in such a world. I even emailed him the pictures I found, in the middle of losing my mind as I asked him, and he would just say "Your delusional", how it made me cry when the doctor spoke as I sat in the hospital Explaining "to them why the mental break down" Explaining "I was raped, and not just once" yet he said the same thing and justice didn't mean a thing as he shrugged his shoulders, how I told them the police "Didn't believe what I said" and owning a website has no correlation to the source of the up loader. I just wish someone could see inside my brain, and even looking back on the pictures now I can tell which ones wheren't me and the ones that where. The ones that I sent to him, in asking to remove them, the same pictures in which provoked the anger of him calling me a whore and claiming that I wanted it.... The memories of being blacked out and coming to him screaming at me that it was all my fault and he made me do it, as I laid there and couldn't even move just drifted in and out of consciousness... and apparently Some how I am still the criminal. Why would you use someone for sex for two years just to claim you never liked them, and that you where just raping them.