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I often feel like there is nothing in my life to be happy about. Nothing that gives me joy, or makes me feel happy. Not any more, I didn't always feel like this and I think that last two years have been some of the hardest. I still just feel like crying all the time even though I know and feel there are no more tears left to cry. Don't get wrong, I do see things and choices in my life I am proud that I never went down or took. I never had sever drug problems, I did at one point smoke a lot of weed to mask my feelings and the depression, but even lately realized I just want to be healthy and happy without outside influences. This is also why I don't want to take pills, I just want my brain to be happy and healthy on its own. I often feel like such a freak. I might as well be disfigured cus thats how I feel on the inside, like I can help but to hate and blame the person on the inside. and like nothing I do will make a difference, it won't help other women, it won't enlighten people, as if some how all that I had been through was going to make a difference and mean something for future generations, just to find out how insignificant it is, and even more how less people care, understand, nor try to help protect those who have been victims of rape.
As a child, and even still do this day, even more so now than back then, I wanted to live a life of sophistication to hold so kind of class and elegance, in stead, I grew up realizing where I was coming from in means of poverty and ignorance. But I wanted to change that. I kept thinking that if I got married that it would change that, though I never could pull myself to marry for money, or even love for money. Whats the point if you still not happy. Though also looking and watching these people who do have money, how they spend so irrationally, or save to conservatively though seem to hold no awareness to how their own wealth could help and change so many peoples lives... I understand their are people that would just take advantage of it, and never give back the same kind of compassion or empathy, but there are also those who would take the opportunity to change their life and give back in the same manor.
The more I grew my awareness as to what humans have done and how they have acted over the years the more and more discussed I am with the human spices. The more I am disappointed to be called human. I honestly often think, humans only do more bad, than good. I used to have the childhood view, the fantasy, that good always over came the bad, and that in a time of need, good people would come around, that people would choose to do the right thing, not for money, not for selfish gain, but only because of the ripple effects it will, and would have on future generations.
Though I have also come to realize that our government is fueled by money because it is dependent on the resource. They don't care about the truth, or if good people are being punished. They only care about their own means in trying to make money, keep a pay check, and using power for their own bias needs or wants or ideals, instead of instill what would truly mean high moral and ethical standards. They have no reason to care, or even look at justice for what it standards for, this too I believe is a fantasy. That our government and the people who are held and take an oath, lose sight of what it really means, and if it wasn't for a pay check, and power, they themselves wouldn't be there, nor pro-suing efforts to ensure a country in which stands for what it means to have peace, liberty and freedom. These ideals and concepts seem to be only for those in which they favor, and as history has shown repeatedly it has been those of white male back grounds. I wish people in the justice system where not such a cliche, and also where people to came from back grounds of struggle and hardship, as they would see so much more what the concepts means, and how they where meant to used in means of right and wrong. Instead, its just a job, in which gives them what they want, status, power, money... nothing to do with what it means within society and social relations or people having to take responsibility when they are wrong within actions of morals and ethics. IF these judges and people where treated the same way as the public, and if morals and ethics where held to the highest standard half of those judges and supporting staff would be in jail too, or be label a criminal.
It just makes me sad, its true what they say about ignorance being bliss, it was better to think in denial about what it all meant than face the reality of what it all really is.