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They often come during the day, which I can usually distract myself and try to think in a different direction. However, when laying down at night the thoughts and images becomes more vivid. I have a hard time cus I don't really know what happen within the two years of being abused.
I am so ashamed but ready to admit to myself what was happening. As I half hardly trusted this person, sometimes I think other people would slip into bed with me. It never accorded to me than that it might have not been him, though it had crossed my mind which I began to justify his actions, and deny that he would ever be capable of doing so.
One of the thoughts that repeatedly runs through my head, is one of times when I was already half a sleep, and heard and felt him get up to go to the bathroom, and he closed the door behind him in which I heard whisperes. I didn't really hear the conversation only remember and exchange of words in which consisted of someone saying just do it, that I would never know. I often fear and wonder how many people I slept with that I never met, knew, or ever intended to sleep with. But the room being so dark, and me being to trusting... this still just hurts me and my consciousness. I would back out just out of fear, but wake up feeling like it was just a dream. That I was just experiencing weird dreams, as this was my justification for trying to trust this person. I had to be able to trust him we where sleeping together. and even at the time, I told myself we'd eventually get married, cus who else would want to marry someone who's been around.
I remember sitting at school, and just feeling so dirty, but not knowing why. I knew what had happened to me in the past but it never effected me until this person came into my life. The thoughts would come more often, and even recollections of memories I put aside and thought I dealt with expected and was okay with began to resurface. I just didn't understand why.
When I first began seeing this person, he lived in a one bedroom apartment above what was at one point a store. He even still called it a store. The front half consisted of a living-room and kitchen, and there was a bedroom and bathroom in the back. Though at first, this backroom was boarded up. I never asked why, never even thought I need to know, and was trying to trust him, because of my past I thought I was being overly emotional or too worried (like my mother often worried too much). It was until later that this room began to haunt me and my thoughts of what it consisted of continues to worry me. After of year or so later the walls where taken down, and it was turned in to a bedroom. I don't know what happened, though I remember once it was I believe the third time we met up, I went to his house, like a fool, and we had a conversation about ganging banging, and in a joking tone and sarcastic tone said it was something I wanted to try, never ever planning to act on the thoughts, thought he said He could make that happen, and that I would never even know. I just went silent and even began to think that I should fear this person, though also, thought maybe he was joking. I don't think he was, and think something more had happened in which whatever I took or if I was hit over the head, whatever it was, I have no recollection of, just the fear of the events in which I can put together but don't really know what happened. and he was constantly doing random construction on the outside in which I thought I didn't need to think to much about, but now as I look back, I believe this is where they would rape people, or where they held the studio for the recordings.
One time, we had began whatever, and he told me he was recording and quickly pinned me down, I pushed him off and told him to turn it off or I would leave. and he did without question, went over to his computer and shut it down or at least I thought. Which again just made me feel like I could trust him, though this was thinking so naively. He told me once that he did porn, but I didn't believe him. and after telling him that I could never date someone who was into that, that its not chances I wanted to take or risks I wanted to make, or where I wanted my life to lead me, he began saying it was just a joke. Some much time would pass in between and I would feel so bad about myself because he never seemed to care about me or want to date, that when he'd start to come around, my mind would go blank, and I just felt like if he loved me or cared about me than maybe I was worth something, or even lovable.
I was going through a hard time with my family, and often felt like I had no one but him would did care about me, only realizing now, how wrong I was, and how the things he said made feel. I often would disconnect. Like the night he blackmailed me, told me he was protecting my innocence, and I just screamed "what innocence, I never had any. My childhood stolen from me, my own family not even capable to dealing with the pedophile." He said he was "turning me into a whore," and I just said "how"!! I already made myself look like one. (thinking and trying to explain to myself and justify why I told him I was cheating on him thinking this would push him away) though this wasn't what he was talking about. He said that even if "I was drugged and raped, I was still a whore." I just fell silent. He dropped me off after what felt like an hour of arguing, he told me we shouldn't see each other any more cus "it was just hurting the both of us". I just got out of the car like we never had the conversation looked at him and said "I'm just a hopeless romantic, wishing to be loved". and walk away.
Within a few weeks of meeting this person and what I assume to be the time in which he drugged me or knocked me whatever it was I developed a fear of being in groups of people I didn't know. from that day all I can remember is coming their and they offered me a drink, there was four people including myself. I remember saying I didn't want to drink, there was a fear in they way they where looking at me and behaving. They said something about getting naked and I just began explaining "I'm not like that, sex is something of a big deal to me, that I just moved to the city and started college and that last thing I need was naked photos posted of me on the web". I don't remember much after that just the girl getting pissed from me saying something about "jesus". and trying to go to the door, but because I couldn't think straight, and started to black out, I couldn't do anything, I even remember wanting to call my sister in law and asking someone to find my phone and Tell me "I smoked to many siggs" this was a code we had in case I was in trouble. the rest I don't know what happened.
From all the police and people I've dealt with within the justice system and even doctors they just make me feel crazy. Though they where not there. They don't have the memories I hold, or the feelings I can not shake. They don't have the feelings or memories, though misfired doesn't mean it didn't happen, or that I'm delusional. I was raped. Severely and repeatedly and I can't even justify to myself how I let it happen. How I was so blind, and so naive, in thinking that someone who was sleeping with you couldn't have cruel intentions or want to hurt you. Yet, he raped me and I didn't even want to admit to myself because of my past, my own promise to myself that I would never let it happen again. This was also the reason I kept dating him, cus if he loved me, than it couldn't, it wouldn't have been rape.
I would often just lay next to him and cry myself to sleep. I wouldn't be able at the time to explain why. I don't even know if he knows this. After a year and a half, I felt my mind breaking, being to slip. I started to cry all the time. I spent a the first six months of the break down crying uncontrollably. I wouldn't be able to stop, to stop the pain, the memories that began to slip, the memories that would start consuming and becoming my obsession for understanding. I cried myself to sleep, I cried driving home from work. I couldn't stop. I just wanted the understanding, to know what happened to me, to understand what I exposed myself to, and even more so understand how someone could hold such cruel and dishonest intentions. I just wanted closure but closure to what? The abuse as a kid, the fact that I felt so discussed with myself. How had I let this happen, how did I get so far in without ever consciously realizing it. I just want to know, to explanations to myself to the repeated thoughts in which I kept telling myself wasn't possible. and how do you get justice or try to begin to explain to the police in all the weird things, all the things in which yourself you couldn't explain or understand.