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Besides the fact that I got raped and labeled a criminal because of it, even if I had no criminal intent or motivation, apparently that doesn't matter, its just every thing that I have been through and worked so hard for and I still feel like I've gotten no where. Have made no difference... and still just a mess in wishing I could just a someone to love me.....
My mom has been visiting for the past couple of weeks. and we've been working on our relationship. We both agreed that we weren't going to dig through the past and only look at building a better future and relationship. Though its all still really hard for me. I just want to be love and in a relationship with someone I do sincerely, love. but I just don't feel like its ever going to happen, and even if it doesn't nothing insures that it will last, nor can I get the thoughts out of my head that who it will be will still cheat on me. I think it a lot of ways this has do with the rape, and the relationship or lack of one that followed... I just can't seem to get it out of my head that its just going to be the same thing over and over again.
My mom keeps telling me just to be happy and that I'm doing good. Everyone keeps saying I'm doing good. But why don't I feel it. It makes me sad when I think about my life. I am 23 years old and have spent more time thinking about what has happened and being depressed, I don't even remember what its like to just be happy. My mom also said nothing in life is like you ever expect it, which I know is true, but Im just tried of being alone and feeling like because I am girl, I have had to and have to expect that forever this life, will be filled with abuse. Not being able to let go do to lack of being able to just grow and develop like child are suppose. I can't let go of what happened. All the loss I feel. Like I lost the life I wanted, and it was never going to be there for me. Like my whole life has just been made out for me to fail, like I will never amount to anything and continuously just have to expect I'm not the kind of girl guys want to date or the kind of girl that will make a difference or help people see something a perspective in which they didn't see before or the girl that can make a difference... and Ill continue-lessly just read people wrong only to find myself in more heart ache.
I wish more than anything just to have a second chance, to just redo everything that was done and start over. I think that why I often thought about killing myself, because it would be a fresh start. A new start to a new life, one in which didn't feel so burred with hurt and pain.