Pandora's Aquarium: Just putting it out there... - Pandora's Aquarium

I learned a lot of lessons about what love is not. I don’t know if I have really every loved someone, or if maybe it was thought of being in love that made it special. I haven’t a had a lot of relationships and never once through my childhood thinking did I think that trying to find love, is harder than the movies portray and that life its self can be so much more real and complicated.. I thought I would get married by the time I was 16 or 17 and that would be it and never really thought much about the future after that. It never worked out like that, and the religion wasn't something I could conform too, it always contradicted to many things about women that I didn't want to believe nor expect, a model and a role I just felt like I couldn't play, as a child it seemed easier, even being seen but not heard, but as I began to developed as I began my teens I couldn't expect it, nor ignore my own longing to feel expected and loved. It was all the hard with the religion aspect, being Russian in America. I just didn't fit it in, and I feel like a lot of people still don't like me cus I'm often depressed. Its not like I want to be, but I don't believe in pills, I believe in allowing myself to feel sad and grieve over what happened to my life, as it should and allow the natural progression to take its coarse.

This isn’t within your character and how did it come to this? I feel like I have somehow disassociate and even denied myself of what had happened and what I was allowing to happen. I just told myself I wasn’t going to sleep with anyone else. because I didn't want anyone thinking I was a whore, easy or even slut. I told myself I wasn’t going to have sex and after being forced, I just thought I had to date this person, It never really accrued to me that I had power in the say, and that I didn't have to sleep with anyone I didn't want to, I knew this, but after being raped, I didn't feel like it was my choice. It deadened me inside. I lost a part of myself and strip myself of my own respect in thinking this was one thing that I would never end up, just a statistic, yet there I sat that night after it had happen trying to understand, and trying to make myself stop thinking about it. It wasn't going to happen again and I wasn't going to see this person which was fine until he got back in contact with me. I still have trouble with in my brain, forgetting what had happened. I don't know why, and all the things I felt that didn't make scene. After we began seeing each other, I began to feel like I had to have his I often just think about when I asked the rapist what he meant when he said he was raping me. I think this question annoyed him as if some how I was suppose to understand why or how someone could rape another human being. I just kept asking why, and how and got no explanation but the admission of what he said. I kept telling myself I didn’t get raped, hell just break up with me this was after it had happened when he dropped me off at home I was so shaken up, and just kept thinking I didn't want to have sex why did we have sex?… so all I have to do is be mean hell break up with me. I gave him all the power as all he had to do was text me and my mind would go some where else, feel revealed as if somehow if I dated him it meant he didn’t rape me. I shouldn’t even call it dating cus its wasn’t dating. All we did was have sex, I even kept trying to talk to him about it and would make in a clear point in my head to go over what had happen and tell him how I felt, I would argue with myself about this in my head, I would have the conversation over and over and every time I saw, he would push straight for sex, I kept telling myself next time, next time, I often didn't want to have sex but did it anyway in thinking it would be a relationship, happy ever after if we just communicated. When he first raped me after he wouldn’t kiss me, I couldn’t understand, I wasn’t a whore this was only the fourth person I had slept with. I felt on the inside like a prostitute without even releasing how I gotten there. I felt so bad about it. I never told anyone. After he had broke up with me, he told me he never wanted to see me again, I after I had repeated ask ed him to leave me alone that I was crazy and he couldn’t handle a girl like me. Months had pasted and he had contacted me. We set up a coffee date I looked who this person was up on facebook, it wasn’t until months later that I released I had blocked this person. I disassociated myself from reality when I was with him or when he would contacted me, it was as if I didn’t even have control over my own thoughts, I just so badly felt the need to make this person happy. I was so scared that he would do something to hurt me. I just kept thinking if I was good enough we could just have a happy ending, if I prayed enough God would make him a better person and even thinking some how convincing myself that I had to some how save him internally as if I could some how spiritually change this person by asking God. It is slowly as the realization in what he said when he said he raped me and could never love me cus than the sex wouldn’t be good. It would be instead like making love. I just felt dumb founded as I just didn’t understand what his intentions where which I never truly did. I didn’t understand nor absorbed what he said or meant, he even once told me that even if the girl got drugged and didn’t know about it she was still the whore. Even if she had no conscious in the sexual contact that was made in that action. This made my stomach sink as I asked him if we were drank together and he just looked at me with a smiker and said no. Yet he had mumbled once about the one time we drank together this confused me, and I just gasped to myself as the thoughts flooded in but still I couldn't conform what happened. I have a memory of going over his house once for a small get together there was suppose to be another couple and I had even invited a girl friend who couldn’t make it that night. I have a memories of getting picked up and a just after arrival, I can’t remember anything. I remember waking up the next morning just feeling funny, this person held me close and whispered he loved me and I just said if you do than never tell me what you did. But consciously I don’t even know why I said that. I feel like I have lost 24 hours of my life but I have nothing to conform it, other than the fact that this guy tells me he raped me. I kept thinking he was talking about the time second time I hooked back up with him. which the harder I thought about it I began to release I met this person early than I thought, at this point I thought he was the 6th person I slept with but it wasn't, I thought we met in spet of 2009, which I thought confirmed this after a looked up a trip to the zoo with a ex, but I remember before I hooked up with that person, I remember a thought running through my head a memory of the person who raped me. It was later that he said he met me in late spring. I began to remember the coffee date, telling me I had been engaged 7 months prior and got cheated on I started to cry, and held back the tears, and he looked right at me and said your mine, and just froze as he asked me if I wanted to go some where and I hesitated at first, and as I got in his truck I just kept telling him I didn't want to have sex. I remember getting back to his place and I even asked him to take me home after we had made out and I began to feel uncomfortable. Next thing I can remember is him being inside telling me he was rapping me. I could get him off. He dropped me off at home that night and I just kept telling myself it didn't happen, it didn't happen. Later as the relationship continued months down the road I just gave myself so willing hoping to receive and be loved. I was abused as a kid, and I just left like that same four year old girl who did what her uncle ask. The way I acted I feel bad, I let so much of what this man’s hurt full words say effect me. I just feel like there should have been some warring that guys raping you may record it. I never thought about this but yet it was a fear. I even had told him, that I would sue him if I ever found anything. It was one photo he took, after he had raped me, and they want to tell me that it isn’t my body even though I remember the exact moment the picture was taken. In addition I was taking a photography class in which I was learning about angles and notice the way he angled the photo and told him hey my face wasn’t even in that. He never asked. Nor did I think that he would post it on the internet my face is half way cut out, and yet they say it wasn't me, but I know my body, I know and understand the relationship why it was so weird and painful, I think this is why I kept sleeping with him to by the time I even began to suspect or understand that this material was in existence he was already black mailing me. I just thought if I kept sleeping with him, it would be enough for him not to release it as if, I kept thinking he told me that’s all he wanted the sex he just wanted sex, but that hes a good guy he just has an addiction as he said himself, and I thought maybe I was here to help him. After two years of this and you find the proof you need, and go to the police in asking for help, how would you feel with them sitting there telling you it isn’t you? How do you explain the abuse and what it took after two years in a relationship that started off as rape to realize that’s all the relationship was, was him raping me. That’s why none of my needs mattered nor me trying to explain to this guy I was already going down a mental break down, and he wanted to see me go over the edge. He wanted me to break, and the whole time I got depressed after getting out of depression before meeting him, and feeling like I had already finally found some healing and peace in what had happened as a kid even though I never dealt with it growing up. I thought I was overly emotional because the abuse of what happened as a kid kept flooding, the nightmares came back, I would have cold sweats and panic, I started to isolate myself thinking it was cus of the childhood abuse not because this person was raping me, the abuse in which trigger the roots of my problems and imposed new behaviors in which I thought I had healed from. It took me too long to understand what had happen and to clearly think about it and process the experiences and to be able to separate them. All these things and signs that make scene now that I never even thought about before. When I went to the police, before they even 5 secs of showing to police officers about what had happened as they called me in for the investigation, I showed them what I had found, one picture had a Photoshopped out necklace in which my ex fiance gave me, I recognized it any where. I explained to the about the rape and how I never went to the police because they never believe he said she said causes. There where several shots and a couple videos which began to make me panic, as I explained and even showed moles, they just kept telling me it wasn't me and that I was over reacting, but than he said he would look into it, but if I showed them even one photo that wasn't me, even if there was photos of me, they would drop the investigation. If the website was doing legitimate advertising then it could have gave the officer names and photographers in which where taking the photos. All he said was that the owner of the website didn't match the domain of this person, but this says nothing about the source of the up loader. I was told that the police often don't have the technology to properly find out the source so I'm just one in a million. And I told him Officer if that is the case and their are so many unsolved rapes maybe it is the process that is wrong! Maybe there is something in the process in which is allowing for such injustice. He told me rapes where not a propriety and that they would even wait out the status so that they wouldn't have to press charges. I began getting to emotional and couldn't say anything more my mind began to get foggy as I just couldn't understand how these police men take an oath to protect and serve the innocence and here they sit before me telling me I had no rights to the privacy of my own body. I just lost hope for all of humanity that day.
It just accrued to me the other day, as I reflected, that this is what is an abusive relationship. and no matter how alone I feel I don't deserve to be abused no one does, and your certainly don't have to live with it.