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Why it is so easy?

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 27 December 2012 · 43 views

This has been on my mind alot. I've been trying to educate myself in how rape works, side effects, and commonalities with other women how have been raped, and I still don't understand why not enough is being done to prevent rape. People act like its about attractions, but its not, (those people who say women shouldn't dress a certain way, really don't understand what rape is and how it works). Yet all the pornography out there with girls getting hurt and how many women have opened up to me about what had happened to them. It just makes me sad. I feel like I often can't escape it, like if it happens again I just have to expect it, as the justice system isn't going to be looking out for me, or going to help if the circumstances arises. People don't understand what its like to be abused as a kid and not understand all the emotional suppression and denial and the hurt and pain, in feeling like you where never cared about or loved. Or how it effects the emotional development. I spent my whole life feeling so different, my whole teenage experience of hating myself and trying to understand why. I have spent the last two years trying to put back the pieces of my life. Understanding why I left so dead after I was raped, like nothing inside me was a live just a walking ghost expressionless and meaning less. I feel like so much of my life has been taken from me. I feel so disappointed with life and our justice system. It hurts me that people actually try to normalize rape. I hurt for all the girls that never get heard and hurt and will never see justice. I hurt for all the girls taken advantage of. I hate how people don't understand how the triggers works, how with some people you can't even seem to control your own mobility let alone the thoughts of where your brain goes as you begin to be abused. How often you don't even realize what happened. All your left with is the panic and anxiety with no memories of why and trying to understand what happened, to wrap your brain around how people are so cruel. I wish more people took rape seriously. I wish people understood emotional rape.... Sometimes I still can't have sex without thinking about what had happened. It hurts my brain, and all the intrusive thoughts of when I was four come flooding back.... How do you explain this to any guy, let alone for them to understand? Especially at 21? 24? I wish society was different I wish I never met this guy and that I never annoyed him. I wasn't trying to, I just wanted the truth. I just wanted the photos off, not to be a criminal....and this worries me every day, as I think about what could be out there and who has seen it. I'm still scared for life. I feel like I have no control over it, like nothing I wanted for myself ever mattered. I hate that I feel like I'm being punished... or that they keep telling me its separate issues. It isn't separate in my head. If I was never raped, and if the porn was never put on the internet it would have never gotten here, the stress wouldn't have built, I wouldn't have had an emotional break down, my mind would have never snapped, and normal life events would be so emotionally overloading, like trying to find a job, or going to school. There would have never been a need to contact this person. I often just wish he would have killed me. It would have been easier, than having to live with the reality of life and the people in it. I get down as often all I can hear is his words telling me "To stop acting like such a victim and that he'd have me right where he wants me, if I went to the police"..... I wish life was more like the fairy tale where people actually did there jobs and the real criminals and bad guys get in trouble for there actions. I hate it... I don't know why I feel so down today, I just want to cry. I have spend the last year and half doing so. Crying for days on end. Hours at a time. I don't' even think I can cry any more.... this makes me feel all the weaker, though I understand it is simply my mind grieving for all that it has lost over the years, it finally couldn't take anymore. I just keep asking God why? Why me? wasn't the first time bad enough? Why would you bring me this kind of acquaintance in my life? Why are these people real? and why hasn't he sent anyone in my life that would help and be supportive. Who would help me....Give me the break I need, a chance to be successful and happy? I keep being told that I just need to move on? But How? I am the one being punished for being raped... and If I do get convicted by the jury I will have to explain my record to employers and apartment managers for the rest of my life about how I got raped and was manipulated, and how because I annoyed this person, and the police didn't believe me "I'm a criminal" which never had criminal intent or criminal motivation.

July 2014

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