Pandora's Aquarium: Losing Yourself - Pandora's Aquarium

The depression never took right away
It took months, even years, after to begin
To the feel the darkness of the internal
Sight of myself, as I lost my own conscious awarness,
Years began to pass and I couldn't even
Recognized the face that shared back, held,
Prescriptions as to what began this existence.

This time around I felt the pain, not the
Hate, I felt the loss of control in
Not understanding how someone could stop
Or fall so hard only to be kick down.
Until a final mental blow, only to snap.

So low in thinking that somewhere else
In my mind of years before trying to escape
So many patterns holding keys to
Within the flesh held the soul in which
Lead right and wrong as if some how,
After time and time again, running on hope
As if someone out there with a unbroken heart
Would do the the right thing in helping
From glossing the sanity held within,
The glue that helped hold the pieces of what
Was left, just wondering why he didn't just
Kill me, it wasn't enough that I tired to love,
To hold compassion and this is what burns
The intrusive thoughts of keeping there
Distances only in mind years from the past
Only haunting as I try to understand the compassion
Of trying to be in there shoes with my own
Conflicting addiction in trying to hold morals
And what it all means even daring this God,
With a Proclamation of 10 miles that never
Meant a dam thing, just back to trying to
Understanding the logic the men have in keeping
Women bound as if life wasn't for our choosing,
Civics right right wars of blooding flooding dying for
Speaches of freedom. How it rattles my bones
In all that you give away without even knowing
and question just to some how escaped the breath
Of your own panic, how trying anything breath
But to failing to admit
Admit what it meant, when he said "I'm rapping you"
So why this existence in what is left
The feeling just trying to find love some kind of
Happy endings and what do you do as you tried
To get away in the process of condemning yourself?
With the thinking that truth meant something else.
Two years of your life, two years of running
The panic of the truth of what he could do
Trying to comply in thinking within traditional lies,
Simply marriage a bible, the rules you read in trying
To believe only to see what God saw, in reading your heart,
Intentions of holding morals and ethics as you realize
It was blackmail rang in the voice of his fearful treat
In your comprehending dispose, in not remembering
What you did, you how quickly a lover someone you wanted
To be a friend, you try to open your heart to just to get
Burned before ever knowing why he wouldn't kiss you
how he was out to whatever left from what you saved
Destroying within you, the part saying you weren't good enough
For him and even in trying to save myself... as if somehow
Love would really pull through in the child hood
Dream of prince charming, this is what you wanted to think,
Even after all the abuse, in which you made excuses for
Why you couldn't remember and why hurt so deeply.

What where you thinking when you looked into the
Eyes of the monster that said he could never love you...
Just a fool, in matter of deceit, the game of control,
In lacking the choices in which could have saved you
and yet somehow they all just want to blame you,
How you can't even stop from blaming yourself.

As the abuse of your childhood, oh how it groomed you,
and this why one lacks wanting to take responsibility for the
Thinking in which one does in trying to escape,
Being manipulated and misunderstanding the true intentions.
Nor would it have been something you put yourself through,
In finding your strength even in your own weakness.

Wanting to help and change people enlighten them
With a voice, while trying to help those who have survived,
To have a meaning to life, after years of wanting to feel numb,
So what do you do but have all the tears, failing you.
The new bitterness that grows from having an existences.
How short the expectations falls while realizing
The helpless of the people who help occupy this existence.

A society the helps protect those with such cruel intentions.
Like waking up in the twight zone and everything your
Where ever told, a lie and fighting for yourself
Meant fighting for so much more, even in the midest
Of your weakness, of being a coward in wanting to take
Your own life as it lost all meaning, with the rape,
and every piece of my heart that it stole of myself self respect,
My own dignity the person I lost that day. The day I wanted
To just remember for my own sanity, and they want to
Treat me as if I don't own this existence, as if I didn't know
My own body, as if they where the ones with memories,
Nor with the knowledge of what this person was really capable
Of and you know the truth, screaming just someone help,
as having nothing to gain as if this something I wanted,
Even after being treated as if my existence never
Mattered as if my voice held no volume,
Even trying to forget and still just wanting to die,
But pushing through hoping just to find myself again.
And what do you do when you pray and nothing happens...
Are you somehow less special, are you somehow less of a person
A human being with an existing mind living with the damage
Did you deserve this? was it from a past life?
Just all the unanswered questions of a heart
With nothing but a void and a loss of love for life...