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ON the Brain

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 24 September 2012 · 94 views

I hate that some much of dating is about sex. I hate having to feel like I have to sex with the people that date me. I hate feeling like I am obligated and I hate how guys don't stop about it until they get what they want. Its so annoying and it makes me feel really bad about myself. I used to not be so weird about sex. It wasn't a big deal I always thought I was just ganna marry the person I had sex with for the first time. I feel really about about not being a virgin. I still blame myself. I hate that sex is so much apart of our cultural and that people have such weird fetishes. Like dads doing weird things to their daughters and uncles having no boundaries. I used to worry about it before I ever became sexually active. I never wanted to have sex until marriage it was my goal, but after what had happened has a kid and a teenager I felt like it was pointless to lie to myself about it. Thinking that pushing it aside and deal with it later was going to be the best thing I could do because of my family and their culture views. I also used to think that my husband would understand what happened to me. but I never felt like I got that chance to even get there like I'm already damaged goods. I never got the chance not to be labeled something dirty and gross, at least thats how I spent the majority of my childhood, I was always made fun of, if not by family members then by bullies at school. I even thought god was punishing me for something like I was just a bad person. IT made me so angry that God ever gave me a life, I didn't understand why he would bring a life into this world just to suffer. I think this is why I started to be an atheist at such a young age it just didn't make scene to me that if God was suppose to be good, then why didn't he make good things happen. I kept thinking that if God exist than my life would be better their wouldn't be suffering he would have stopped the abuse and protected me from the other people who where out to hurt me. Life would be more happy. IT never really effected me in all aspects of my life, or maybe I just don't really understand how it effects me. I still have really bad anxiety. I can't even be around new people without feeling like I am holding my breath or breathing too fast. The last few months though my symptoms have been better and I relax after a while of knowing someone one or a circumstance that happen. I think thats why I never really wanted to say anything either. I just really thought and expected the Idea that I was just ganna end up with an abused and that life wasn't ganna be what my life has turned into the happlier ever after that everyone else seem to have. I often got jealous and still do, of those people who have never been abused, who never had to struggle, or grow up so fast. Theres a part of me that wants to take no responsibility for the things that have happened yet the other side of me feels like if I don't than I have no control over my life, even thought I still feel like I have had no control as to how thing play'd out, just I have just been set up to fail, and my whole family has just stuck around to watch me fall, and fail, my brother even told me one time that he wants to see me fail, he was really drunk, but those words still hurt even after all his kindness. I just feel so little and like my life was just set up to be abused and used. Thats how I feel, especially after this last guy I dated or tried to date, I can convince myself all I want about that but the reality was he was raping me. I can't even have sex with anyone, it just makes me cry it doesn't feel good, it doesn't make me feel good about myself. I wish things didn't feel so hurt full for that my heart did hurt or just want to cry all the time. I often feel so empty and like nothing I do will ever take away the pain. OTher days I feel like I learn to cope better and that I do make progress even when I feel like there is no hope. I could kill myself, I even asked this guy why he didn't kill me as it would have been better to be dead then to feel what I feel inside. How it never goes away the tears or thoughts of self hate or thinking if I was different. If I never tried to get away. If I just stay'd away and sad myself. How I would have taken anything just to be with somebody and now I just feel like I should have just stay'd alone. I even told him that I was better off alone. Yet now its just all my fault. I am even according to the state a criminal. I just wanted to truth, to be unstuck. TO stop feeling so used and so low and not even understand that it was because of him or how abusive it was and how much it would effect all the past abuse from resurfacing. Because of what he did. I had a right to know that my body was naked all over the internet or at how and why it got there and I know who it was, Im not that dumb, and I know my body. Just naive in think that the guy who raped me was ganna be the person I married. I just didn't want to do any of it again. I didn't want to go through dating or trying to find someone I just wanted to be loved, and being confused by the sex after telling him to stop to leave me alone to fuck off and how I just took it like he was just misunderstood, like it was my fault for trying to move on with my life and even being called a whore because of it, how much I was manipulated and even convinced myself it was all my fault, if I never tried to move on with my life maybe he would have wanted to try, or if that I wasn't me or so emotional, even though this person never wanted anything to do with me. None of it was even true maybe I don't really know. Cus I never really knew him. I think its kind of dumb that people say you can't love the person who raped you cus I did. Yes after being lied to and manipulated and even forgetting why I stopped seeing him even after going to Planned Parenthood to get tested for a STD. I was more worried about that then going to the Police. Even with going to the police I think this is why I cry too, as I knew as I child that this is how it would be. That it would never matter the truth of what really happened to me. . . why I hated myself and still hate myself.... why I just can't get over things and obsesses about meaningless things. I still often just hate my life. There seems to be no good people in this world.

July 2016

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