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After the Over Shock

Posted by paintinblue2013 , 18 September 2012 · 86 views

For the last couple of months I think my emotions have been more stable. This is often the part of me that seems to go into over drive in trying to understand what and why someone would go to the extent of trying to purposely hurt another individual. It bothers me that this guy gets away with what he did and that even if I did everything correctly I would almost guaranteed that the circumstance would have still been the same. The only way to really get someone for rape charges apparently are by having an attorney, I never had the money to fight against someone who had intension ways beyond my comprehension. I often thought I was smarter, or that I would never be one of those girls in my situation. I always thought it was a choice or that you would be more aware to the abuse, but I was so blinded, and more than anything I really wanted to believe I was lovable. This guy told me that my family never really cared about me and that if they did, they would have done something about my uncle. That comments still gets under my skin sometimes, cus I still can't help but think of how true it is. I feel like no one cares about or had cared about my emotional state or development. I had spent the last two years of my life just trying to feel normal. Trying to be an adult who had control of her own sexual drive, but I completely lacked control, which was made clear only in after understanding that this person was black mailing me. He was using me and I never could understand why you would use someone for sex unless you had feelings for them or even cared about them. I never even thought it was possible to have sex with someone unless you wanted to create a bond. I never understood that this person would only use me for his own selfishness. He even told me he was too selfish, and I never really thought someone could be so low in life that they would and only could drag you with them. In my cased I didn't even realized what had happened until it was too late. I honestly never knew or understood my own emotions that where instilled in the fear and panic of being with someone who you where afraid of. Even if the fear was never enough to go to the police, but you also don’t want to go to them when you don’t even know yourself what is going on, or understanding another person when they say they where just rapping you. It still hurts my brain to think that someone would really just use you for sex. I could have even lived with the fact if we dated and he actually ended up being a good guy like he said he was. Instead it was just always hypothetical conversations of what if and what could be. He told me once that his dream was to have two girl friends, I told him my dream was just to be the only girl friend. I cant even believe myself in feeling so bad alone that I actually was desperate enough to think that love would or could solve anything, but the problem has always been that I have never felt loved and regardless what I find comforting was never something to be associated with being loved. Or even to think that love would teach us somehow what it all means. I hate myself still and often for being such a hopeless romantic. I hate myself for having a virginal, I hate myself for not being stronger, I hate myself for not doing anything, and for nothing being done. I hate the fact that I was raped. I hate how my voice my thoughts and feelings have meant nothing. I hate that I have to proof what I don’t’ even want to remember what I just want to be past and put all behind me. I often wish I wasn't me. I kept asking this guy, “Why me, what do you want from me I have nothing”, I never lied when I said that. I just wanted the truth, to stop feeling so confused. I wanted my life back to feel like me again and all that happened was falling into a depression. I still often have a hard time feeling safe around people I don't know. I still talk myself out of going to public events or meeting new people. I still have panic attacks, and hate myself for being so caring or trying to understand what this person was doing. What it meant when he said he was raping me. So much confusion, so much of what was in my head. I think i began to understand only recently that I had been dealing with Stockholm syndrome and even PTSD. I hate myself for being naive. and even more for trying to trust this person. I feel like I tired so hard to protect myself yet nothing helped. all that happened was that I got trapped into something, and had to experience to years of hell in which would have never happened if I never met this person. My life would be better, and maybe I wouldn't be so bitter or full of hate. I don't know what to believe in any more. I'm so tired of trying to defend myself in things I didn't know. Things I couldn't remember. I hate feeling like this was really rape. I hate myself for trying to convince myself that it wasn't happening. I didn't want to expect it. Or even believe that some was capable of it.

July 2016

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