Pandora's Aquarium: Where I Blame My Self - Pandora's Aquarium

I never really thought that things I couldn't remember would ever come to haunt me. I think this is often where the worst of the in how the PTSD effects myself. It is the flashbacks to events in which triggered my mind to a place in which I was completely helpless. In my moments of weakness which was a result of boundaries being broken, voicing your wants and your needs and never being filled, causing voids in which can not be filled even after receive what you realize to be the result of rape. A night in which one kept telling myself it was just a bad one night stand. After it had happened it had changed something inside myself. I couldn't feel, I couldn't recognize my own drifting thoughts often and losing touch with reality. Feeling trapped by something I didn't even know existed yet some how the reason for the pull in need to find closure. I needed to understand why someone would just use me for sex. I was told by another attorney that it was cus I was pretty. But this only hurts more. As if some how just being alive is meant that I have no voice in what I wanted, or what I needed meant nothing, and has just been used against me from the beginning. I was trapped to something I didn't even understand, or could even beginning to believe I had done in allowing someone to hurt me. I couldn't remember why I told this person to leave me alone and even asked after we had slept together the second time, several months later. I even went to Planned Parent Hood and discussed what had happened to me, only vaguely in not beginning able to recognize I was allowing someone to hurt me. She had said that my cervexs looked abnormally pushed back and I couldn't even begin to explain as it had been a year later. I just felt dead on the inside and couldn't explain why, the damage already done. I kept going back to what had happened to myself as a child. Thinking that all the emotional upset was from never dealing with what had happened as a kid, but that was the triggering event in which add to the stress and confusion. I had been fine and even learn to deal with what had happened as a kid. Even with what situation in what had happened when I was 14, the guy was 17 and we had been drinking though I wasn't drunk and didn't want what had happen to happen but it did. (Drinking is very cultural, but for the most part we never had to worry about someone trying to drug us, which was also why I was so trusting). Even with what abuse I had sense I would never consciously allow myself to be abused. I was never beat, but the abusers, my uncle was always very nice to me, which made the abuse as a child all the more confusing. But often as a result sincere people who are nice to me, I get scared or can't stop thinking about ways in which they can hurt me. I guess it is good to be aware but often this can cause panic attacks as well. After the rape, I couldn't even be around people with out thinking some reason that someone was just ganna try to have sex with me. Like I had no say in any of it even if I tried to fight. I spent two years just locked in a room painting. Sometimes I would go for walks and take pictures as I found it clamming. I didn't even realize how bad the abuse was until I started find some of the porn which really triggered the PTSD. I always promise my mother that I would never do porn. I told her that it was the one thing that I did have control over and would never attempt. Not even in desperation, I was above it, nor wanted to go down that path. I wanted, still want a good life. A happy and healthy life, to be accomplished and have success in achieve respectable ways. I began finding stuff I never knew what even happening, I thought at the time was just a weird dream, but after finding the stuff began to make sense of the situation I put myself in. I never even realized how much this person put me through but finally began to understand myself again and my feelings, the pain and anxiety, which began and I never really understood why. Especially even the mood swings which again I just contributed to childhood experiences. My uncle would make me watch porn with him. This was another reason I was extremely against in, watching it as a child even seeing grown women, it all just looked like rape to me. I would tell him that I didn't want to and even close my eyes. This was an adult who should have been thinking rationally but instead was sick, with his own selfish need, taking away any chance of my own natural normal self development. I only began to understand what it even remotely meant when I was 17. The concepts of what my uncle was, what he was doing finally clicked in my head. At 8 there was a incident in which my uncle tried to pay me cash after making out with me. He said that lesson to learn "you might as well get paid", and I told him I didn't want his money. I was disgusted at the thought at 8 years old. The only reason he stopped was cus I told him to. I had a class in 4 grade we learned about good touch and bad touch and it helped me realize that I could say something as up until that time, it never accrued to me to ask him to stop. I did tell him to stop and that I felt it was wrong. After that he would just give me weird hugs and tell me he wished I was older, but the only reason the abuse was ever triggered in the first place was cus I was being abused. It wasn't until I started counseling and really talking about everything that I began to see how abusive and toxic the relationship was and even regardless asked this person to go to counseling thinking that maybe he just had some issues as myself in which he needed to work out. I had asked him if he was abused as a kid and there was times he said no and other times in which he said nothing happened to him, and others when he would say yes. Which just confused things even more. He would tell me he was married and then he wasn't married which made me feel even worse cus I never wanted to be part of anything like that. He also said the girl of his dreams was abused by her dad and it was his dream girl that she would still be a virgin. This made me feel sick and I just kept thinking of this girl and how painful that would be and was even more worried about her own mental state. I worried about how she ended up in this situation, how I had gotten here. I had been cheated on before and learned it was just best to walk away. I should have the first time walked away before things got as bad as they did, but you also don't think people are capable of what they do. I like to fix things. As a kid I would often sat my parents down and make them talk about their irrational thoughts. Of course as a kid I just wanted them to get along and would ask them question as to why they would fight. Helping them take responsibility for their actions, which often just seemed to be a immaturity problem, but what do you do, as I lacked so much understanding in other concepts about relationships and abuse. I asked my parents to go to counseling as a kid but no one would ever listen to me. I think this is why it bothers me so much now not feeling like I am being heard. I know I have issues, but I also know why and where they come from. I am just doing the best I can with what I have been given. I have learned somethings, and still wish I did others differently but I never had control over anyone else actions other than my own, which my motivations where never of criminal intention in which is why I get frustrated in being treated like a criminal. (The motivations of a 17 year old taking advantage of a 14 year old in a truth or dare game is criminal, someone sleeping with another person only because they are recording them in bed without telling them is criminal) there is intention and self gain motivations to hurt another growing mind, and taking away all their choice in the matter is a form of slavery weather they know it or not. Leading actions in which are only meant to hurt and disturb another individual is wrong. Trying to love some one is all sometimes people can offer, what else do you have, and you try to believe love can conquer all just to be wrong, to see how with the family aspect and truth of this person words in saying my family never really cared with the proof in their actions to help protect his underlying selfish sickness often just bothers my conscious thoughts. Yet why I blame myself is not because of my own actions as I feel I did nothing wrong in trying to live with what had happened and trying to use my best judgement in hopes of doing things correctly has nothing to do with weather or not they say or judge me wrong, as I do not care, it does not change the fact of what was done to me. This my fight my only option was to get an court appointed attorney as lacking funds to try and fight fairly, this was never of my wish, I just wanted to settle things civilly just in asking for the truth, still to which I never got. There judgement means nothing to me, I don't even care if they say I did wrong by asking this guy for the truth, I needed closure and maybe they can not relate or understand, but how do you ask for compassion when you honestly did the best you could with what you could.