Pandora's Aquarium: Fooling Each Other - Pandora's Aquarium

I know I know, I have been selfish and pushed you away…

I know I made

Mistakes but I told you how I felt from the start…I

Tried to harden my heart and god won’t let me do this… I just

Need to know what

Really happened. I changed my eyes blue and still I

Never hear from you

I want a chance… but if this chance was never there

If I was wrong I need this truth so I can continue what

God wants me to do

I slept with you that first night because it is what you

wanted not

Me….I told you sex never meant anything to me and

This was never true

I started sleeping with another person after I had my

First break down, and yet all I could do is cry and not know why

Why it hurt so much, why nothing made sense, I tried what I could

Whit what I had to move on, seeking closure and happiness in other things like art

Yet often I reflect to the night you told me you only wanted money

What did that ever really mean? You can

Call me a whore for the chlamydia caught, your God given proof

In trying to run away to make scene, to gain control of my life

Of the games in you play’ed, as confused one only wanted love

Something real, like the bible claimed “Marry your Prostitute”

As she’d make a honest man out of you

Why do you think you never had to try hard….I need closure from this

I just need real closure.

Instead of just giving me peace you just want to mess

With my head. If I

Killed myself would it become clear to you that I was

Never stable or the reprocussion of what you said as it only felt like rape,

Even after convincing myself that all I really wanted was you,

But this was never true, I just wanted the idea of being loved,

Something I thought sex was suppose to mean, how I told you it would only create a bond

One in which never seeking something so toxic, or that would leave one feeling so empty

I tried to be honest with you… what will it take for you

To tell me the truth

So we can all have peace… you might think in

Your head

That I was nothing but to me you meant the world

With in the confusion of thing it ever held any meaning

Like something of a love story over coming odds

… you Want me to

Trust you as I half heartedly do somehow I wanted to try yet the instinct

Always panic that grew has if somehow I never understood you didn't have to be use

As being abused from the beginning as if some reason being groomed

To stay silent somehow meaning you meant break down, but more like breaking out

In having enough and even being able to scream the boundaries in which I spent

My whole life wondering if they where ever mine to build, as how easy the lines were cross

Even after me telling you that someone like me is not want you want

How I could see it how it hurt to think that you wanted to care

and yes I went crazy this is what humans do with in cause and effect

Looking at the driven intention what else where your motivations yes

This took to years to understand but this is why it took so long as you never saw who

I could be or even something you wanted yet still just as your control as if my life

Had been spent being abused just cry no screaming just leave me

Yet you just couldn't let go…but on what grounds, a

Foundation

Of lies, other girls? I don’t know as you only have been

Cold and close out the world one laid in the fancy that magically things would turn around

My life and everything would be perfect as if somehow it would mean you never did what you did to me

And honestly I can make of what I have within my memories but the rest

Can even you say you want me to know…. You’re selfish to in the way you think,

What am I

Suppose to do move on I cant I don’t have truth this is

Why the sexual

Abuse issue of when I was four has destroyed my

World… You can try

To think like you are god but his presence will only show

Power and Glory

You’ll ask for mercy when you grow up and

Realize one day you

Will die and your body will be nothing

I’m not asking for your hand in marriage just a chance

To see if you

And me could be real somewhere with santa clause

Or another life time one in which never became or was this

… a chance to make you see that I can be loyal, as I do what I want

And live life through open eyes of reality in seeing

And my honesty really never meant anything… obsessing

As if to reassurance that my life did mean something

You can be honest and loyal too if not..

As we knew there never was the reasons for never trying

To get to know the other I ask myself why or how I even thought

There would be some kind of chance, like you could have been the man that would respect me

… then Just tell me The truth and well be set free… as I need peace…as of

Now my heart is simply a mess because I had a dream of

Caring your child of Course not right away as it would never happen…

but if not, if we had not shared a dream, I need release of only wanting you

The attractions in which has always been toxic and not even know if it was there,

As what I wanted was never valid never heard, insanity in how I kept trying

I just want a chance to see if this road could be again that I could find myself

Know myself as I had once before ever meeting never feeling ashamed of who I was

Or even where I came from in understanding there are things in which I have no control

Like the family ties of a blood line, as I tried my whole life to have compassion

A pound there ignorance and truly it is the children that suffer so please if not then

Set me free as your silence means nothing to me only more of my own

Self destruction

You maybe inspiration for a book, but this talent is

Nothing but a

Gift from god… my creative world has already had a

Reason to write

About sorrows… how long do you expect for us to go on

This way? Did

You really think that truth was never needed? You want

Proof from god you

Have it or will have it… must this be how you treat another

Human?

What will it take for you to see as you have claim to be

Un-blinded… Do you not know that we all stumble and

Fall off road? Did

You not see this coming? I am simple in how I think as I

Tried to be

Honest in my own way… as I did not ask for anything.. but

The truth why is this so

Hard for you to see? My life has been born into a broken road

As Jesus has

Stayed my friend reminding me of why we forgive as all

We are is human

This is what I don’t get as you say you don’t want me but

You wont admit this

To me the truth of all it was…If I mean nothing to you

Than simply admit

This true and I swear with Jesus as my

Witness Ill

Leave you along…. I just want to know what happened. I

Just want the

Truth for everything else makes no scene to me... I need

To the for me to see

So we can both run free…I don’t get what you want from as I

Would give you

Anything I could…Ill give you want you want…but in order

For me to

Comply I need your replay… world to conform to what I

Should believe

Do I have to write a poem a day… Do I have to go to the

Police…

What will it take for you to just tell me the truth so we

Can go

On….as you have tired to lie before and still here we are

What is it going

To take for you to not acted like such a coward???

Are you trying

To punish me for what dear sir there is no need for I have

Already found hell

And punishing myself… there’s nothing in the truth that

Will hurt

More than I have already suffered… I have carried my own

Cross… I only

Ask for release I just need to heal as I as stuck to this misery

Why wont you just

Explain, explain the memories of what had happened, what I can't remember

Was it really that bad, do I even want to know, as I asked you to keep what you did from me

The one promise in which you did keep, but I can not keep living this way

We can both go our separate ways as we know no good can come of this

Just tell the truth

OR have you already sold your soul but wait

This I don’t believe

For you are still breathing….