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Posted by MissHannah , 03 April 2013 · 137 views

I feel horrible this morning. I was stuck last night for around half an hour, having flashbacks. My boyfriend was in tears when I woke up, I slept for another 30 minutes or so). He tries to hide it. He told me it seemed really intense. Usually he talks to me to ground me, sometime I'll hear it enough to know its him and take his hand or something and that grounds me. He just had to watch, there wasn't anything he could do. I vaguely remember parts, so much was going on. I have this memeory that won't leave my mind and I don't quite understand why. Now I have never believed this thing was real that I'm talking about, I thought it was a dream I'd had. I think it was a hallucination. I don't have much memory of my choldhood really but little things come back, normal things I mean. It's weird having those memories that aren't bad come up.

I know there are others things that have happened that i'm not sure about but they aren't clear enough right now.

But starting from when the first time that's really in mind, I have seen things a few times.

I was 16, in a hotel room in london with my boyfriend. We had argued and I told him I was going home to scotland, I didn't in the end I moved to barcelona with. Great choice that was Hannah!
At the time I didn't my ex for what he really. He'd withhold attention/affection as it suited him. So we were in seperate beds, him "sleeping" and me crying. I could feel someone behind me, I sort of rolled off my stomach onto my side and peeked. I can tell you the make of the sports clothes this person (who wasn't actually there) was wearing. The whole rub your eyes blink hard routine didn't make him disppear.

When we moved back and in with mum I had more. Smoke and fire coming under and over doors, water and blood. I seen a face on the floor (I know your mind does that) so since it had been a while I thought keep reading, just ignore it. Til I watched it turn, look and smile at me.

I haven't been seeing things. But something goes on inside. I don't know what it is. I have posted about DID before, all I know is that one of these parts or something in my head is scaring me.
Not all that long ago I had this episode where I started hitting myself at times and I remebered doing this when I was younger, banging me haed of walls, running into them all that kinda stuff. I used to be embarrassed even thinking about that, now it makes me sad. I should never have been like that :(/>/>/>

When it happenens (last few months) it isn't the same as sh urges or anything. The night I had to go to the hospital was because of this. I don't really feel like I can control it. I was looking at my window and knew what this wanted me to do, I live in a tower block :(/>/>/>.

It just starts, this feeling rising and I (I say i, it doesnt feel like me but I'm there watching it almost) need to move. The last time, it was so scary the way I was treating myself but I couldn't stop. It's like I was being pushed and I need to be punished. I'm terrified of speaking about these things incase people don't trust me. I have something I wrote while I wasn't feeling me and I'm going to give it to my T when I start seeing her alone. This feeling doesn't happen towards anyone.

I was only planning on writing something quickly so I don't expect anyone to read this or respond.

I'm struggling with my mum, trying to be there for her while shes going through things but I know her and I know how she can manipulate and things. Ugh I don't know.

I'm scared that all these things that go on are the beginning of something. I know thats the anxiety and ocd and things but I'm a bit scared.

Guess I neede to say more than I thought, need to let some more emotions out I think.

We are here for you anytime, so just vent away. :hug: I know being around certain people can be hard and cause subconscious things to run thoughts, I think that's normal for anyone in any situation.

:hug: If you need anything, I am here !!!

July 2016

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