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Since starting this healing journey, im amazed at some of the realisations i've come to. That " Ah well that makes sense" kind of thing. Some feelings i've had for years, or reasons for believing or doing things, suddenly make sense.
Im sure im only beginning to scratch the surface.
Sometimes, now, looking back at the past i seethings differentlly. Perhaps just clearer.
I've realised i don't remember a huge chunk of my childhood and some teenage years, even the positive stuff. How i didn't realise this before, i have no idea !
I hardly have any childhood memories.
Another thing that's been on my mind alot is my relationship with my mum. I seem to believe i have a goood relationship with here but looking a bit deeper, she has let me with some stuff.
Brief background, my parents split up when i was 14, my mum has struggled with depression and some other stuff for a long time. She also suffered csa.
I found out she was cheating, which she denies to this day. Who says i love you, i want to be with you and all that on texts to a guy as a joke?
Not a mother of two, maybe a 13 year old girl. She still says nothing was going on with him then.
It hurts thinking about what i did. I was angry. Me and my dad were arguing and i blurted it out. What a shit thing to do to your own dad! He still isn't over them.
She told me she was staying at my grans for a few days, she needed space. "Do you want to come?"
Why would i need to if your coming back? I think her mind was made.
When she was hospitalised after an SU attempt, it took me long time to want to see her. Eventually i let my guard back down and went. I did'nt feel angry at her anymore.
Until she got home, yeah came home to us, for literally a week and was gone again.
There was an incident when i was younger, i can't talk about it yet. But it made me lose faith in her ability as a mother. I've never believed 100% that she'd protect me. Theres ALOT i wan't to go into right now, but this will be way too long if i do.
My point is, i never realised before how much of an effect her words and actions have been on me.
Theres questions i need to ask her, things i want to confront her with. I can't bring this up before christmas. It has the potential to fuck everything up.
Theres things i need to know, things im sure about. I justt doon't know the rest of the story. But once i've said it, i can't go back.
I feel its something i need to do to grow, but i don't want to lose her. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, is where i seem to be.
Theres more i want to talk about, i think i'll come back later.
Tthanks to anyone whos been listening