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Grr is how i feel today

Posted by MissHannah , 29 September 2012 · 89 views

It hasn't been long since the last entry, i need to get more stuff out. I can't seem to get it out the same way writing in a diary. I seem to do better here.

I feel pretty pathetic at the minute, im losing track of time. I've been sitting at the computer for hours, that's sad isn't it?

I keep apologising to my bf, he says he doesn't mind. He wants me to do whatever will make me feel better. Im worried he will think im not living in 'real life' if that makes sense.
Nothing else has been holding my attention. Talking to other people while i couldn't find anyway to express myself is all i've done, at least someone benefits.

Theres so much i don't know where to start, i don't want to be rambling on for hours either.

I don't want to have to pre occupy my atttention by doing anything, something just so im not simply sitting and feeling. I want to, im scared too. Im still frustrated and i still want to be on my own in the flat.

Im getting anxious about going to bed, im anxious that i won't be able to sleep as usual. My head touches the pillow and my brain seems to go 'oh haven't i been thinking loud enough all day already? No? My mistake, here i go' Jeezo im giving my brain its own voice now lol.
Sleep acheived, mission accomplished? Nope.
Im anxious i'll keep waking up through the night or have nightmares. Either way i can't usually get back to sleep much.

Depression seems to be the big problem today, my mood won't lift. Now the anxiety has kicked in.

I don't how to express myself tonight, really fucking sad is the best im going to manage.
P (my bf) has fallen asleep on the sofa i think, he will either say he feels bad leaving me when im like this to go to bed or he'll try and stay up. Im not complaining i know i have so much support from him.
I don't want either though, i sound so ungrateful!

I feel insecure aswell tonight. The problems me and P had a while ago( i posted about this, won't explain here) is on my mind. I don't know why.
I can't help feeling like (im not saying i believe he would) the way i am will cause it to happen again.

Grr, still feeling frustrated. I want to be alone. Even if he goes to bed its still not the same y'know. I still won't be able to completely be myself. If he stays up im in the same situation as i am right now, if he goes to bed then i spend the night trying not to keep him awake or wake him up because imtrying to find things to do to make the hours go by quicker.

When it starts getting light outside, there aren't the fears of the night or the worries of the day yet. That 'in between reality' is how i see it (probably not making any sense here lol) thats when i like to try and sleep. I don't feel scared then, it feels so much safer. I don't where this came from, just one of my things i guess.

He isn't the problem, i hope i don't sound like im blaming him. I just need to learn how to work my 'issues' around someone else.

Not so sure what to with myself at the moment.

Thanks for listening to me complaining if you have :)

You are not complaining you are stating your frame of mind and emotions. They are valid. They are important.

Depression is a big sleep interupter. When anxiety is added to it there seems to be no rest available. I suffer from both. I just could not stop my brain from running circles everytime I tried to sleep. Vicious circle depression + anxiety = little to no quality of sleep. Nothing I tried worked like wearing myself out to exhaustion, drinking alcohol, meditation, white noise and ambient music. So now I take amytripaline (generic elevil) right before bed and my mind stops and I fall asleep quickly and usually stay that way.

People in our real lives that care want to help you by being with you like your bf. He sounds supportive and truly cares about you. It is hard to tell our loved ones that we need some alone time to process stuff. I have learned that I am an introvert but I am not shy. I can function in social setting but it wears me out completely. I have to go to my safe place which is my home and zone out to recharge my batteries. Is this what you meant?

Take good care of you. I hope you have sweet dreams and a better tomorrow. Many blessings

July 2016

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