i don't want to pretend!
Everything, the way im feeling and thinking. I don't know, im not making any sense. There doesn't seem to be much of that in my mind. I feel like im holding everything together but im not sure who's sake its for?
Maybe it isn't. Im frustrated right now, i've been really low today. It scares me feling this way i don't want to go back to that place where i stopped caring. I don't want to go back to giving up.
My depression at times has been hell, im useless at describing things. I don't need to, anyone reading this that has experienced it already know. I guess i don't have to explain.
Although things are bad at the moment ( feels like theres lots of different issues so i won't go into them) i don't want to be there again.
Im already starting to though aren't i?
Grr im so fucking frustrated right now. I want to have the flat to myself, i want to be alone right now. Im not supposed to feel like i have to hold it together in front of my own bf, im not supposed to be embarrassed. I should be able to let it out in front of him/to him. Well i can't. He's great really, but i want to be on my own. I want to let this out, i want to stop pretending.
I can't let it go, not even to him. Not really, not truly.
He knows how bad its been in the past, he knows i've been wanting to si, i've tried explaing to him that even 'really low' doesn't explain what i mean. He says he knows i don't just mean that, he's trying to understand. Im selfish for saying this but no matter how much i explain (which i don't even want to do) i feel like i still won't get what im trying to say out.
I've been sitting at the computer for a bit, so i can't moan that he doesn't seem to see how bad it is. Im sorry for complaining when i have his support.
I really hope i don't seem ungrateful. Im just frustrated. I just want someone to get it, really get it y'know. I know there are plenty of people here that do, i wish they didn't.
I've promised myself i will be as honest as i can be here. I love and am so grateful for my bf but at times, like earlier when he was saiying i know its not just 'feeling a bit down' what is in my head is no really you don't !. You think you do, im so happy you don't truly understand i wouldn't wish it on anyone. But no, you don't know.
I feel like a horrible person for saying that, i know all he's doing is trying to help me. And i know im pretty difficult to deal with.
Im still pretending things are better than they are, i wish i could be alone and be me.