whats happening now..
I went in and he asked how things were, i gave a vague reply like 'not so good really'.
He askedme to tell him about this.
I knew if i started talking about how i'd been i wouldn't be able to go back and bring this up. I feel like that someetimes, i need to take my chance and say it. I'll get scared otherwise and keep my mouth shut i think.
So i justt apologised for changing the subject, told him i felt i had lied the last time :/ i seemed to be feeling bave, that or stupid. He asked me last time afteer telling him i went through a court case regarding csa that went on for a number of years, if there were any other SA or anything. I, well my mouth seemed to say it before i had time to stop it, said no straight away. What? I just froze and got defensive i think. He doesn't and i don't really plan on him knowing any details, i just thought it'd be important he knew what i was dealing with rather than just a part of it, i know if i hadn't said anything it would have got harder and harder.
Anyway he thinks i have a depressive illness, im aggrophobic, problems with anxiety and something to do with the adult effects of csa. Theres a word for it, i'd never heard it before and i can't remember it now. But nevermind. And ptsd was written down, though not mentioned to me.
At the last two appointments there have been the psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse there. He has changed my anti depressant to one thats quite a bit stronger, today and yesterday my current does was cut in half and the next 5 days i have none so its out of my system for the new one. I shouldn't have any withdrawl syptoms, hope thats true.
They have told me the plan is to see how much this anti d helps, continue seeing the psych regularly as i need to be in a better place (in terms of depression) before trying to deal with everything else. When im feeling better that way the next step would be to see A(nurse) as she will be who helps me with anxiety and aggrophobia hopefully. I can see the counsellor i saw before, i have an appointment on the 1st of november so i know its there.
So he wantts to see how i feel in a few weeks or so when i see him, he says hopefully between meds, A at some point and the counselling it should help though he may need to do more. That option is being left open. What that includes im not entirely sure. Its kind of scary it all being made more real but on the other hand im glad i feel hes heard me.
Not really sure why im putting this here, just needed to talk about i think.