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I came accross this site looking for support as i am just begginning to try and deal with the things the CSA had left me with. At first i felt like i had a small weight off my shoulders. Its only taken 10 years. Then i realised i've done exactly the same thing with other things as i did with this. Ive avoided thinking about it to feeling anything, trying to block it out. It scares me, i don't know if i can stay strong enough to face everything else.
Its incredibly hard for me to say 'these things happened' but i want to get some of it out. Im scared of peoples reactions, i know i don't need people to believe me to validate my feelings . Fuck that im going to be honest here, i do need my feelings validated, i do want to be believed i just don't want to admit that i do. I eventually reported the person who abused me as a child and it went to court. Like i say i have just begun this process , now it feels like alot of shit has been added to it. Im realising i can't hide from things.
The other things im talking about are being r***d at 14 and partner SA around 2 years later.
I think one of the reason i find it hard talk about is because in the past ive tried to and its been a disaster. I told a so called 'friend', she decide to tell other people about my apparntly made up story and proceeded to tell me He would never do that, yeah he's a bit weird but thats too far even for him. What the fuck does that even mean? I just put my head down and didn't stand up for myself. But if i knew how to do that better none of these things would have happened. She still refers to then night i told her as 'the night you said B (lets call him that) r***d you'.
Is it? I hadn't realised, now i wonder why i may have said that hmm? I've made alot of mistakes and im certainly not an angel but am i really that bad of a person my friend, one of the only ones could believe i would lie about that, lie about something so life changing and traumatising, and make someone else suffer for my lies rather than take a second to consider ( thats all i was asking for) that i could be telling the truth.
That what i need isn't for you to humiliate me and add liar to the list of shit things about me, the one that im already adding things to because of what happened. I certainly don't need help to come up with personal insults. That maybe what i need is for one person to believe me. I don't want to believe, no one would. He doesn't want anyone to believe it.
But that doesn't make it a lie!
Phew. I feel a bit better getting that rant out, i think i have alot more anger towards the friend im talking about than i had realised.
As for the other thing i don't feel ready to go into that yet.
I feel i have taken a huge step and feel better for it.
Thanks for listening