I was proud of myself for a short while, going out anywhere even just leaving my flat is a massive challenge for me. I fought with myself, telling myself prove you can do it imagaine how good that will feel. Wrong again.
I went to a park ive gone to alot when ive needed to be away on my own. Although i really struggle with going out alot of the time, when i can this is a familiar place. Its quiet and peaceful.
Except today wasn't peaceful.
I had accomplished all of about 5 minutes of being there before i started freaking out. There were very few people around at that time but i felt an overwhelming fear of those who were.
Suddenly the tree lined paths weren't quite as peaceful. This is difficult to admit, i feel embarrassed..not sure why.
I was terrified of looking in the trees or behind me. I got an overwhelming fear something bad was going to happen. Or someone bad wouldbe there. Just my mind i know but i didn't at the time.
Unfortunately to get home i had to cross a busy road, there was so much traffic everyone on their way to work. I waited for the lights to change, while feeling like seconds had turned into hours. Feeling the panic and fear rising inside me, feeling like the whole worlds eyes were on me. I couldn't wait and started to walk up the road. Every car was facing me, people must be staring at me. For a minute or so i couldn't remember where i was going, if it hadn't been for my bf ringing me i'd probably of just carried on.
I hate feeling anxious. Everything felt so loud, i was so sensitive to noise and so self concious.
I almost screamed, like a full on scream. I felt like i was screaming inside. It took EVERYTHING i had left inside me not to just collapse in a hysterical heap at the side of the road.
The only thing that kept me going was how self concious i felt, like anyone passing me can see right through me or right into my mind they can see the stupid damaged girl.
Don't let anyone see her.
I don't want to believe this will happen everytime. I don't want to be more scared. I want to stop feeling like a child.
Second entry to my blog, again i feel better getting this out here.