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It seems to be the story of my life, i agree to do things or go places and 9 times out 10 i back out. I want to and hope to but i know i won't. All i do is let people down.
It is never a case of 'oh i'll just tell them what they want to hear'.
I just can't tell them the truth, some know roughly but i mean the real truth, how i really feel.
The truth is until leaving my front door doesn't feel impossible, i'll keep letting people down. I don't expect them to wait around.
Lately its been getting harder to fight the urge to SI, its been well over a year since last time. There i said it, now im angry at myself i think. I feel 'seen'. I've admitted what i really want to do at times.
I don't feel strong being able to admit hat im weakening, i feel the same..weak!
I feel weak because i can't justt grow up and get on with things, even though i know thats not how it works.
I feel tainted, damaged and used.
Im insecure and self concious but i hate to admit it. I can't remember the last day i didn't have that knot in my stomach.
My attempt taking first steps towards healing began only recently, i've been experiencing thoughts and feelings i haven't to deal with before. Aswell as flashbacks.
I think i have been blocking out and pushing this down for a long time.
I want to heal, that is what im trying to hold on to. I still want to try.
Talking about and telling people about my past, the CSA is new to me, only a few people know. And i think im struggling to be honest even with myself about my feelings.
What i can be honest about is that im terrified of feeling these feelings. My mind seems to automatically trys to run off in another direction.
Anyway, i've been struggling to let my feelings out. I can't think about alot of the abouse. I can't cry about it either even though i feel i want to.
I feel emotions relating to it then feel everything inside me fight to stop feeling. Think of anything else, think of anything but this. Just not this.
Im struggling to find the words (ironic since there are lots here) to match my feelings, the ones deep down.
I'd like to feel at some point that i can start to share my story here. Right now the words, the order and the concentration aren't with me.
Im going to get more comfortablewith posting and blogging here, and hopefully i'll be able to share my story one day (hopefully written better thatn this).
Again i apologise if this is just me rambling on, i feel better getting this out.
Im so gratteful i found this place, somewhere i don't need to hide who i am and a place full of wonderful people.
I have already felt supported and incredibly inspired by the people here, so thank you all.
And thank you for taking the time to read this.