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Wondering if it will ever change....

Posted by nikki9320 , 08 September 2012 · 59 views

Yesterday, I decided to resume writing in my journal. I cannot keep pushing myself to feel normal without taking the necessary steps to heal my mind, body, and spirit. I have been reading a book called “Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse”. Never has a book resonated with me so much. During the chapter in which they talk about the specific problems that manifest in adulthood, I felt like they were talking about me. I have experienced so many of these symptoms in my life. I felt some major relief. Finally there was a cause/explanation for my actions, feelings and mood changes. :candle: :rainbow:

I recognize that I am angry about my feelings of helplessness. :rant: :rant: I lack the confidence in my choices sometimes. I feel rejection deeper than most people. All of these feelings stem from the abuse. I had to cope the best way I knew how.

I know that I cannot erase the fact that I was raped. My feelings should be honored and validated. I know that I should take the time to heal, no matter how long that is. For too long, I have been ignored, told that I need to get over it and forgive him for abusing me. Forgiveness is something I should not be pressured into giving. Taking the choice out of my hands feels like I am being raped all over again. I mean, the initial act was bad enough, but the aftermath can sometimes be worse. :bawling:

If anything, I need to work on forgiving my inner child, the frightened little girl who coped with being violated the best way she knew how. I still find that sometimes I look at that abusive situation with contempt for the child who remained silent while an unspeakable crime was committed against her. I have beaten myself senseless trying to understand why this happened to me. :banghead:

The journey to healing must continue.....



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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.