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Wondering if it will ever change....

Posted by nikki9320 , 08 September 2012 · 85 views

Yesterday, I decided to resume writing in my journal. I cannot keep pushing myself to feel normal without taking the necessary steps to heal my mind, body, and spirit. I have been reading a book called “Healing from the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse”. Never has a book resonated with me so much. During the chapter in which they talk about the specific problems that manifest in adulthood, I felt like they were talking about me. I have experienced so many of these symptoms in my life. I felt some major relief. Finally there was a cause/explanation for my actions, feelings and mood changes. :candle: :rainbow:

I recognize that I am angry about my feelings of helplessness. :rant: :rant: I lack the confidence in my choices sometimes. I feel rejection deeper than most people. All of these feelings stem from the abuse. I had to cope the best way I knew how.

I know that I cannot erase the fact that I was raped. My feelings should be honored and validated. I know that I should take the time to heal, no matter how long that is. For too long, I have been ignored, told that I need to get over it and forgive him for abusing me. Forgiveness is something I should not be pressured into giving. Taking the choice out of my hands feels like I am being raped all over again. I mean, the initial act was bad enough, but the aftermath can sometimes be worse. :bawling:

If anything, I need to work on forgiving my inner child, the frightened little girl who coped with being violated the best way she knew how. I still find that sometimes I look at that abusive situation with contempt for the child who remained silent while an unspeakable crime was committed against her. I have beaten myself senseless trying to understand why this happened to me. :banghead:

The journey to healing must continue.....

July 2016

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