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My First Time....I think I was 5 or 6

Posted by robinsonjd11 , 25 August 2012 · 21 views

The hardest part about writing this blog is exploring territory I swore I would take to my grave. The words I write in this blog have never been told to anyone, not a single soul. While some people may know bits and pieces about the things that have happened to me, no one knows what I am about to write in this entry or my future ones, but I know if I keep these things hidden any longer, I going to fall off the edge and I won't be able to climb back. This is why I am writing this, to let it go before it destroys me. I don't know exactly where to start so I figured I might as well start at the beginning, with my first time.

Most people's first time is special and with someone they love. Usually they are at least teenagers and able to consent. That wasn't how it was with me. I don't actually count this as my first time because it was not real sex to me and my hymen didn't break or anything, but it was pretty upsetting. Actually truthfully, I don't even know if it was the first time it ever happened since I've tried to block out my earlier childhood. Though there are small things I remember before this, I'm not ready to go there yet, so this is the first time I allow myself to remember. I think I was five or six. I don't remember my exact age. I just remember being really young. I believe it was a nice day and I know was wearing a skirt. I lived in apartments then with my mom and the man I call my dad. I don't remember all the details of that day or exactly what happened. I just remember being outside walking the apartments like I always did and then talking to one of the kids from the neighborhood. He was my big brother's best friend and he was about thirteen. Somehow he convinced to go into the bushes with him. I don't even remember what he said. I do remember those bushes. They were tall and wide and you could hide behind. I remember being in those bushes with him not knowing what was going on, and then remember being on the ground behind those bushes. I remember him touching me in places I did not want to be touched. I didn't like it or want him to do that to me. my panties were off and I dont remember what he said. I just remember him sticking his thing inside me and it hurting. I didn't like it and didn't want it. I knew it was wrong and I thought I would get n trouble. I was so scared and I didn't understand. I don't even remember it being over or what happened afterwards. I just remember hating myself and thinking how awful of a person I was. I hated myself. I never told anyone and thought I could forget, but I didn't know at the time that he would be only the first person to ever touch me like that but not the last.

I am so sorry this was your experience.

I just want to say you are not bad, your did nothing wrong, you are not to blame, you were the innocent one.

And the other thing is to keep writing - keep getting this out before it eats you alive. I understand the guilt, shame, blame, ... so much of that rot that just eats us up and spits us out - but it was never our fault. That is what we need to remember as we wrestle with owning this and facing what it has done to us.


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