If you talked to me today, you would think I was your normal 22 year old woman with some child like qualities. You would see a young college student and Army soldier/veteran who has a plan for her life and is on track. You would see a young woman who is outgoing and likes to help people and make them happy. You would see a smiling face without a care in the world, but if you knew the truth you would know that face was a mask to hide an eternal pain that keeps that woman from being free to fully explore her potential. Behind that mask lies the lies a young girl who never got a chance to grow up, and who stays locked in terrible past with no escape. You would see a girl who is just looking to be loved and set free, but is so afraid that she pushes everyone who comes close to her away so that she can never be hurt again. she would say she does because she doesn't know how to love, but really she knows it is because she is afraid to. she's afraid that they will see who she is and will leave her alone again. she's afraid of being alone forever and just disappearing like she was never existed in the first place. she tells herself that I do it because in the end they will leave me, and must not let that happen. I must make them go before they have a chance to leave me. She knows this isn't the normal thought process of a 22 year old woman, but for her, it's the only way she knows how to think. It's how she survives and keeps going. She knows it's wrong and the reason she thinks this way, but is afraid if anyone else knew, then she would be locked away forever and thought of as some crazy disgusting being that doesn't deserve to live. All she has ever wanted was someone to love her, but she is afraid to even love herself, and never will until she lets go... until she let go of the things that have happened to her as a child and as an adult. Then maybe by doing that, she..I can be free to love myself and not be alone anymore. So,this is why I write this blog... as a way to remember and forget, forgive, and move on. I write this blog because it's the only way I will ever speak of the things that have happened, and I mostly write this blog becuse I don't know what else to do.