Pandora's Aquarium: Husbands secret thoughts - Pandora's Aquarium

I finally got my husband to tell me what he thinks about when he stares at me. I thought if he would say them out load it would help him heal. He didn't want to tell me, but when he did I didn't cry. I'm a big crier. I thought how little do I think of myself if his words don't hurt me. He says he tries to fight his bad thoughts. He says he believes me that my BIL r@ped me, but just the first time. After that he doesn't believe it. My BIL made me believe that if my husband ever found out he would "fall" into drugs and alcohol as he did in the past, and it scared me to death. His thought were that I was dirty, and when he hugged me and I smile he would get angry because he is hurting so am it makes me happy.That he sees me as a lair.That he doesn't know if he should believe me. I reminded him that he is the one who told me I couldn't cry in front of him that he did not want to see me cry. That I felt broken inside and I was trying to fix myself. I told him he did not need to stay with me, that I would eventually be OK with or without him. He said he wants to stay because he loves me, but to try to be patient with him. I don't know how to open his eyes to the truth. I don't know how to make him understand. After all this if I lose him to this thing that was done to me I don't know how I would react. I feel so broken and the love of my life is so hurt and confused. It breaks my heart. I don't know how to help my husband. I wish I could do a large act of love to show him that I do love him since he doubts it and doesn't want me to tell him that I love him. He wont tell me either.