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Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 05 October 2012 · 13 views

So much self hate today. I can barely get out of bed. I can't afford to miss my second class. I have a t appointment today too and I have no idea how to explain how I've been feeling to her.

I'm miserable and I hate myself for it.

I never elaborated on what happened yesterday.. I should probably write it down now so I have some idea of what to say to my t.

Yesterday I finished my calculus test, bought some chow mein on campus to bring home with me, and started walking back to the house. My fiance caught up with me and we walked back together although he was frustrated that I hadn't listened to something very simple that he told me (to not walk back to meet him, he wanted me to wait for him where I was). That wasn't a big deal tho.

I got home, still stressed from the test, stressed about all the work I had left to do... Plus our kitchen is going to shit because I haven't spent any time cleaning lately. The water bottles all over the counter pissed me off so I threw them all in the sink, then I started breaking down all the boxes from my fiance's food and throwing them by the door. I was just trying to get my chow mein in a bowl so I could pour some sauce on it.. My fiance kept trying to tell me that I need to relax and stop stressing myself out. But I know that if I start relaxing now, I'll fuck up in school again.

He tried to tell me that again, but unfortunately he had me in a corner so I freaked out when he grabbed my arm. I tried to pull away and freaked out worse and backed myself more into the corner, he tried to slap me to snap me out of it, then he stormed off to the bedroom.

Then I threw my food in the sink and I was in the bathroom crying. He doesn't trust me in there because he always thinks I'm cutting myself when I try to get away from him. I was screaming "leave me alone" he was telling me to get out of the bathroom and stop screaming, there was more screaming and threats of suicide and break ups. Eventually we were in the bed and I was still crying and he was trying to hold me. I hate crying in front of him but he doesn't get it. He said I treated him like a rapist. I said he needed to be more sensitive and supportive. He said I drained him of all his supportiveness over the last three years. There was more but I can't write anymore right now. I'll try later.

After all the crying and shouting we talked it out and played some video games before I left for my lab class. I left the class early because I was hyperventilating.

July 2016

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