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Right after it happened

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 04 September 2012 · 8 views

((TRIGGER WARNING))
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Not many details have come back to me, but it helps to write down what I do know, so that I know i'm not rewriting my memories as time goes on.

When I woke up I was in such a fog. The thought that I might have been raped crossed my mind, but I quickly pushed it away. I told myself that I had just embarrassed mysel...


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So stupid, so selfish.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 03 September 2012 · 8 views

((TRIGGER WARNING))
**ED TRIGGERS** **SI TRIGGERS**

I did it all to myself. I created all of my own problems.

In high school, I started cutting and I created an eating disorder.
Not for attention though. No, never for attention.
For the opposite actually. Always hiding it. I guess I wanted to hurt myself and disappear at the same time.

After hi...


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”Please don't ever cry during sex again”

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 01 September 2012 · 8 views

What a horribly insensitive thing to say.

It hurts. I don't know what's wrong with me. Not every time, but when you push so hard it really hurts.

You put the ring on my finger so you paid for sex whenever you want it. I kind of feel this way. I don't know if you're joking or not, but I think you believe it too.

You were the first...


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Don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 30 August 2012 · 9 views

((Trigger Warning))
I don't know why I'm writing this.
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I was raped as part of a revenge plot. Against someone else.

My neighbor cheated on her boyfriend. I was invited over to be the girl he slept with to get revenge on her. This was all planned out before she invited me over to hang out with her.

She asked me first, when her bo...


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His Face.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 25 August 2012 · 12 views

((TRIGGER WARNING))
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Sometimes I can remember his face in vivid detail.

Many times I can't recall a single detail. Just a tall, skinny, scary blur of a man. But sometimes I feel like I'm staring at his face.

His greedy, shiny, yellowing smile. So bright against his dark skin. His eyes contrasted too, blood red, usually squinting. They...


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Letter to Myself

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 23 August 2012 · 13 views

Did you just want to hurt yourself?

Is that why you stayed? Why you didn't just get up and walk away?

Was it because you just wanted to get trashed? Like always. And it's so hard for an 18 year old girl with no friends to get her alcohol, isn't it?

18 years old. You were an adult. You should have known better. I guess it isn't you...


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So what is your evidence that it was rape? What can you even remember?

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 16 August 2012 · 41 views

(((TRIGGER WARNING)))


I said no to her. I didn't say no to him, but I never said yes either.

She explained their arrangement to me early on. She told me that she had cheated on him, her boyfriend, Dice (it gives me chills typing his name), with his two "brothers". He told her the only way he would stay with her was if he got to fuck two...


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How did the "reenactment" affect your relationship?

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 16 August 2012 · 9 views

(((Possible su trigger warning)))



We talked about every detail I could remember of the rape, every day, for years. It was excruciating. Both of us were in so much emotional pain that it became physical; he had nightmares about black men attacking me, we obsessed over it for so long. Each of us was hurt more by the fact that the other was in so much...


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How long were you in denial? How did you stay functional?

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 16 August 2012 · 12 views

((TRIGGER WARNING))



So, I had found that new job at the video store. The manager who trained me treated me like shit, so I started working grave shift to avoid her. My grave shift manager was amazing. I had to deal with a few creepers, but he was a bouncer/DJ at a gay club, so I felt safe. I eventually started working in the back of the store, in t...


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How did you feel in the next few weeks?

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 07 August 2012 · 9 views

The next few weeks were a blur. I can't remember how much time passed between that night, and the day I left to visit my dad in California. It couldn't have been more than a week.

There was some kind of party the next night. I was so hung over. I remember feeling better once it had gotten dark. Was it the new years party I went to with Jenny...






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