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Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 01 November 2012 · 92 views

Halloween marks the beginning of a bad season for me. I only recently was able to pinpoint the date when I was raped, so I'm kind of interested to see how I'm gonna handle it this year.

So since I'm not doing anything tonight, I thought now would be a good time to reflect on what happened on past Halloweens.

October 30, 2009 was the night I went to a house to watch horror movies with my friends. Female friends A and AG were there, and I trusted AG to drive me home safely. Male friends Will, Kevin, and a couple others were there, at Kevin's house. I hate horror movies, so I wanted to get really drunk to watch them. I payed for a bottle of smirnoff and a bottle of pucker. I shared a little bit with whoever wanted some, but mostly I think I just drank out of the bottles. From what I can remember I finished most of the pucker and maybe a few swigs of vodka.

My memory disappears for most of the movie, except the beginning, a scene that they made us all watch, and the ending. I think I was outside smoking cigarettes most of the time. After the movie, I was outside smoking with Kevin. He asked me if I wanted to go into his room and makeout, and I said okay.

I remember kissing him in his mattress on the floor. I think I freaked out when heavy petting started. I said "you only like me when I'm drunk" and ran out the door. I grabbed AG and literally ran out the front door to her car.

The weird thing about this night, is that it was the first one where I was blackout drunk. I remember getting in AG's car, and trying to give her my ID and debit card for gas, but the ride home was a blur and I can barely remember going in the door to my building. I remember I couldn't work my keys in the door so I just sat in front of it.

The next day AG told me that she had called me at that point. I was on the phone with her when some guy in my building helped me unlock my door. For the life of me I have no memory of this neighbor, but she heard him on the phone. AG made sure I was alone when I got inside my apartment, and I know that nothing happened because I woke up in all my clothes and glasses, with stains of vomit from my hoodie strings that proved it hadn't been removed.

I had a horrible hangover that lasted the whole day. I was planning to go to a party that night. This is the Halloween I dressed like Alex from Clockwork Orange. By the time night came, I started feeling better. I went out to my friend's party and took the drinking really slow that night. I met up with AG and some of her friends that night to walk around the city.

That's all I can really remember... I don't know how significant this is, but it definitely marked the beginning of a hard, hard season.

July 2016

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