Pandora's Aquarium: T appointment tomorrow, thinking about what I should say - Pandora's Aquarium

((TRIGGER WARNING))
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Let me start off by saying that I think my therapist is awesome and I couldn't imagine working with anyone else. A lot of times though, we have these long, awkward pauses. She's waiting for me to say something while I'm wishing she would ask me a question, and I'm looking around the room thinking about how she's waiting for me to say something and wondering what I should say. So far she has helped me stay functional, and she taught me how to deal with my stress. However, I feel like we've never gotten to the "meat" of the issue, because I'm unable to talk out loud about what happened to me.

Recently I started giving her some of the stuff that I've written, some of which is posted here. That way I was able to tell her what I remember from the night I was raped without saying it, in hopes that she could understand me a little better. We still haven't talked much about what I wrote, aside from her saying that she sees a lot of anger in my writing, much more than what I express in person.

This week has been so stressful for me. I lost both of my jobs temporarily. I've been falling behind on school work because of pure laziness, which also brings out a lot of self-hatred. The worst part of the week was the day my fiance caught me, and saw that I had cut myself.

I wrote a whole blog entry about that day. I definitely lost a lot of his trust. He still loves me and we're still engaged, but we've been fighting a lot. Honestly, we always have fought a lot, but it used to end in jokes or play wrestling. When we argued today, it was really serious for me. He was making fun of my problems with having sex and my cutting. I don't remember everything I said, but he accused me of blaming him for everything, which I probably did unintentionally. I just want a little understanding.

I'm scared to talk to my therapist about anything in the last paragraph for two reasons. The first reason is because I don't want to tell her about my relationship problems and have her take my side. It'd be like when girls gossip and gang up on their boyfriends. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The second reason is the cutting. I don't even know how to bring it up!

I know I should tell her about my self-hatred and self-injury, but I'm too scared. I have this immense hatred towards "me", but I can't explain the driving force behind the hate. If I tell her I hate myself, she'll ask me "why?" Why do I despise myself so much? I don't fucking know. I have a "need" to hurt myself sometimes. Like I wish I could just turn around and punch myself in the face. I can't explain this. Like I said, I don't even know how to bring it up with her.

So, I have an hour with my therapist tomorrow, and I like to think about what I'm going to say in advance, to (hopefully) avoid those awkward silences. I'm definitely going to tell her what happened with my jobs. I want to talk more about what she meant when she said she saw so much anger in my writing. She wants me to read them out loud, but I'm way too embarrassed to do it. I said I might be able to someday. However I am scared that talking about my anger might lead to a conversation about my self-hatred. I'm not ready to talk about that.

Well, writing this long, long post has helped me get my thoughts in order a little... I'll read this over again a few times and maybe I can think of something to say to fill my hour. For now, I think it's time for a nap.