Thank you everyone for your kind words today.
I fucked up hard today.
Stop reading here if SI triggers....
My fiance found out I had been self-harming today. We were just chilling and having a good time when out of nowhere he asked if I cut myself. I looked down at my wrist and my bracelets had slid down, uncovering the worst part of the cuts.
Fuck. I usually use my hair ties to keep my bracelets in place. Why didn't I put them back today? I ran to the bedroom and stuck my head under the covers. I was so ashamed.
What happened next might not be in the right order, because I was so emotional. The first thing he did was sit on top of me and pry the ring off my finger, because "I broke the agreement". After he forced the ring away from me and hid it, he came back to hold me. He was holding me in such a way that I was pinned, but he was still holding me gently. He kept asking me questions, looking at my wrist, telling me how much I hurt him when I hurt myself. He kept telling me how sick I am.
I kept trying to tell him that I did it so I could cope without involving him. I told him I hate myself so much sometimes I just feel the need to hurt myself. I told him that by cutting I was keeping myself from doing worse. I don't know how coherently I said any of this. I don't think I could form a valid point. Eventually I just listened and covered my face whenever he would let me.
He kept talking about how he was going to send me to the hospital, about how I need to talk to my therapist about hurting myself, about how he couldn't love me completely if I hated myself. But he did keep telling me that he loves me.
At first I thought he was going to keep me pinned to the bed until he had to leave for work. Eventually he calmed me down and brought me into the other room to relax and smoke.
He apologized, he told me he just needed me to feel the way I was making him feel. That if I keep hurting myself, I don't love him. He told me where the ring was and let me go retrieve it.
I am so stupid. Why didn't I cover my wrist better? Or keep it under the table? No. I know it's not the right way to cope. He's right, I'm acting like I'm in high school again.
I know I need to talk to my therapist about my drive to hurt myself..I don't know how to bring it up, and I'm scared of how she'll react. I feel like a child.
I love him so much. When he tore the ring off my finger it broke my heart. Obviously it's not about the material value, but hearing him tell me that I "wasn't engaged anymore" hurt so fucking much. I know everything will be fine if I don't do it again. I know I hurt him. I'm such an idiot.
All I want to do is sleep. Can someone wake me up when this year is over?