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Every word has been said before, and I just feel tired and dead inside.
“That's so cliché. What right do you have to complain anyways? You can't remember anything. All these other girls have nightmares and flashbacks. You don't have PTSD, you liar.”
It still hurts though. I can't help it. I know I don't deserve as much care and support as the girls who went through worse. I hate myself for this. Why can't I get over it?
“The black hole in your brain is a blessing. You should accept it, love it for protecting you.”
Why do I feel like I need to know so bad? I “know” what they did to me. Why do I keep searching for memories?
“Do you just want to hurt yourself more? Do you keep searching because you need the pain and the drama? Fool, you are such a child. Maybe you think you need a reason to deserve help. Maybe if you had flashbacks you'd feel like you deserved to be in therapy or deserve support from your online groups. Get over yourself.”
I just don't want to feel like this and I don't know how to get rid of it... I'm so stuck. If I can't learn the disgusting details and heal from them, how do I heal from what I already know? I'm too ashamed of myself, I can't even say the words out loud. I want to be a survivor, not a victim.
“How are you a survivor? You were never in danger of dying. It's just semantics anyways.”
The shit I went through was not that bad. I should be able to process the small amount of information that I have. I should be able to get over the shame and embarrassment. It's all in my head and I just want to get over my hangups and stop feeling stuck. I want to be myself again.
“That's so cliché. What right do you have to complain anyways? You can't remember anything. All these other girls have nightmares and flashbacks. You don't have PTSD, you liar.”
It still hurts though. I can't help it. I know I don't deserve as much care and support as the girls who went through worse. I hate myself for this. Why can't I get over it?
“The black hole in your brain is a blessing. You should accept it, love it for protecting you.”
Why do I feel like I need to know so bad? I “know” what they did to me. Why do I keep searching for memories?
“Do you just want to hurt yourself more? Do you keep searching because you need the pain and the drama? Fool, you are such a child. Maybe you think you need a reason to deserve help. Maybe if you had flashbacks you'd feel like you deserved to be in therapy or deserve support from your online groups. Get over yourself.”
I just don't want to feel like this and I don't know how to get rid of it... I'm so stuck. If I can't learn the disgusting details and heal from them, how do I heal from what I already know? I'm too ashamed of myself, I can't even say the words out loud. I want to be a survivor, not a victim.
“How are you a survivor? You were never in danger of dying. It's just semantics anyways.”
The shit I went through was not that bad. I should be able to process the small amount of information that I have. I should be able to get over the shame and embarrassment. It's all in my head and I just want to get over my hangups and stop feeling stuck. I want to be myself again.
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Them people who told you this crap are completely ignorant.
I cant remember alot of things that happened to me, because I was to scared my brain stressed me out. The things that I cant remember, keep me up at night. I want to know what happened to me, and what happened to my body.
I am so sorry you went through this. It's not all in your head and you will be yourself again, when your ready...
Theres nothing you should do but heal in your own time. Dont put to much pressure on yourself.
Take care . .
**hugs**