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“That's so cliché. What right do you have to complain anyways? You can't remember anything. All these other girls have nightmares and flashbacks. You don't have PTSD, you liar.”
It still hurts though. I can't help it. I know I don't deserve as much care and support as the girls who went through worse. I hate myself for this. Why can't I get over it?
“The black hole in your brain is a blessing. You should accept it, love it for protecting you.”
Why do I feel like I need to know so bad? I “know” what they did to me. Why do I keep searching for memories?
“Do you just want to hurt yourself more? Do you keep searching because you need the pain and the drama? Fool, you are such a child. Maybe you think you need a reason to deserve help. Maybe if you had flashbacks you'd feel like you deserved to be in therapy or deserve support from your online groups. Get over yourself.”
I just don't want to feel like this and I don't know how to get rid of it... I'm so stuck. If I can't learn the disgusting details and heal from them, how do I heal from what I already know? I'm too ashamed of myself, I can't even say the words out loud. I want to be a survivor, not a victim.
“How are you a survivor? You were never in danger of dying. It's just semantics anyways.”
The shit I went through was not that bad. I should be able to process the small amount of information that I have. I should be able to get over the shame and embarrassment. It's all in my head and I just want to get over my hangups and stop feeling stuck. I want to be myself again.
2 Comments On This Entry
on Dec 09 2012 05:49 PM
Just a cry for help.
on Dec 08 2012 11:09 PM
on Nov 01 2012 01:51 AM
My fiance said he wants to take me shopping for pretty new clothes...
on Oct 25 2012 09:54 PM
Gifted and Talented
on Oct 17 2012 04:13 PM