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((TRIGGER WARNING))
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Not many details have come back to me, but it helps to write down what I do know, so that I know i'm not rewriting my memories as time goes on.
When I woke up I was in such a fog. The thought that I might have been raped crossed my mind, but I quickly pushed it away. I told myself that I had just embarrassed myself the night before.
But while that thought was there, for a brief moment I thought ”so what if it was rape? Sex is just sex.”
I had been so desperate for love in the months before, so fucking lonely. Whenever I went to a party with my friends I would try to get with someone. On several occasions I had one night stands because I expected a relationship.
I thought, how is it different when those guys used me for sex? I never got anything out of it, and this night was no different.
I was quite content to live in denial. I was unconscious so I never had nightmares or flashbacks. I believed firmly that nothing had happened, or if it did I figured it didn't matter because I didn't have those trauma symptoms associated with rape. I never dealt with the full impact of what happened that night.
I still haven't been able to feel the full impact. It's been 3 years and I've been seeing a therapist for over 6 months, and I feel stuck. Is there something we haven't reached yet? Leftover feelings? Are those flashbacks hidden in my brain somewhere? I feel so hopeless sometimes, running in place.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not many details have come back to me, but it helps to write down what I do know, so that I know i'm not rewriting my memories as time goes on.
When I woke up I was in such a fog. The thought that I might have been raped crossed my mind, but I quickly pushed it away. I told myself that I had just embarrassed myself the night before.
But while that thought was there, for a brief moment I thought ”so what if it was rape? Sex is just sex.”
I had been so desperate for love in the months before, so fucking lonely. Whenever I went to a party with my friends I would try to get with someone. On several occasions I had one night stands because I expected a relationship.
I thought, how is it different when those guys used me for sex? I never got anything out of it, and this night was no different.
I was quite content to live in denial. I was unconscious so I never had nightmares or flashbacks. I believed firmly that nothing had happened, or if it did I figured it didn't matter because I didn't have those trauma symptoms associated with rape. I never dealt with the full impact of what happened that night.
I still haven't been able to feel the full impact. It's been 3 years and I've been seeing a therapist for over 6 months, and I feel stuck. Is there something we haven't reached yet? Leftover feelings? Are those flashbacks hidden in my brain somewhere? I feel so hopeless sometimes, running in place.
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