Jump to content


So stupid, so selfish.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 03 September 2012 · 25 views


I did it all to myself. I created all of my own problems.

In high school, I started cutting and I created an eating disorder.
Not for attention though. No, never for attention.
For the opposite actually. Always hiding it. I guess I wanted to hurt myself and disappear at the same time.

After high school I had to be high all the time. Even if it was just cough medicine, it took a lot to deal with people.
Then I started drinking and going after the wrong kind of guys.
See, you invited it. He could smell your damage from a mile away.

Did it change after he was arrested? No. I started doing harder drugs. With safer people, at least.

What's wrong with you now? Are you just “coping” like you say, or are you just trying to create new problems?
I just want to disappear. I can't kill myself, after seeing what suicide does I can't hurt everyone like that. I really just want to fade into the background. I want to look like a boy so no one will try to hurt me again. The skinnier I am, the more shapeless my body is, when I layer a sports bra with a tank top and a t-shirt. I still look like a girl, I just don't want to be a noticeable girl. I have a ring on my finger, but I still panic any time a guy I don't know makes conversation with me.
I used to look at pictures of emaciated girls, and think about how they appeared so non-sexually beautiful. It's like removing the “vulgar” parts of womanhood.

And you're just sounding crazy again. Why do you put shit like this online? This has to be a cry for help or something.
That's the thing, I feel so selfish for posting about my problems. I can't remember anything, but I act like such a drama queen. I don't know what to say for myself.
I can't talk to my therapist or my fiance about these things because I'm too ashamed of myself. I guess I'm less scared to put it in my blog because it's so anonymous.
I just know that I have to write these stupid little rants so I can get my head in order.

June 2016

2627 28 2930  

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.