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So stupid, so selfish.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 03 September 2012 · 25 views

((TRIGGER WARNING))
**ED TRIGGERS** **SI TRIGGERS**


I did it all to myself. I created all of my own problems.

In high school, I started cutting and I created an eating disorder.
Not for attention though. No, never for attention.
For the opposite actually. Always hiding it. I guess I wanted to hurt myself and disappear at the same time.

After high school I had to be high all the time. Even if it was just cough medicine, it took a lot to deal with people.
Then I started drinking and going after the wrong kind of guys.
See, you invited it. He could smell your damage from a mile away.

Did it change after he was arrested? No. I started doing harder drugs. With safer people, at least.

What's wrong with you now? Are you just “coping” like you say, or are you just trying to create new problems?
I just want to disappear. I can't kill myself, after seeing what suicide does I can't hurt everyone like that. I really just want to fade into the background. I want to look like a boy so no one will try to hurt me again. The skinnier I am, the more shapeless my body is, when I layer a sports bra with a tank top and a t-shirt. I still look like a girl, I just don't want to be a noticeable girl. I have a ring on my finger, but I still panic any time a guy I don't know makes conversation with me.
I used to look at pictures of emaciated girls, and think about how they appeared so non-sexually beautiful. It's like removing the “vulgar” parts of womanhood.

And you're just sounding crazy again. Why do you put shit like this online? This has to be a cry for help or something.
That's the thing, I feel so selfish for posting about my problems. I can't remember anything, but I act like such a drama queen. I don't know what to say for myself.
I can't talk to my therapist or my fiance about these things because I'm too ashamed of myself. I guess I'm less scared to put it in my blog because it's so anonymous.
I just know that I have to write these stupid little rants so I can get my head in order.



June 2016

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