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Don't know what I'm feeling right now.

Posted by ptsdthrowmeaway , 30 August 2012 · 27 views

((Trigger Warning))
I don't know why I'm writing this.

I was raped as part of a revenge plot. Against someone else.

My neighbor cheated on her boyfriend. I was invited over to be the girl he slept with to get revenge on her. This was all planned out before she invited me over to hang out with her.

She asked me first, when her boyfriend was out buying the alcohol I so copiously drank. I told her I couldn't do it.
He creeped me out and I was extremely not attracted to him. I was only polite to him because that was how I was raised.

But he didn't like her friends, he wanted a "nice girl". That's why he had her invite me over.

I should have left after I said no. I should have left at a lot of points. But I don't know what happened to me.

The more awkward it got, the more I drank. The memories are choppy. They were arguing in front of me, then she was getting ready for "massage practice" and they were still arguing, then she left. But I stayed for some reason.

I might have been drugged, or I might have just been really drunk. But it just doesn't make any sense. The memories are so choppy.

What I remember:
I kept smoking cigarettes and drinking vodka or screwdrivers.
I don't remember whether they were drinking or not. I think she was.
She had been going to KCC for massage therapy but she was failing out, so she was going to her friend's place to practice massage. That was her story at least.
After she left, he told me she was an escort.
He started offering me cocaine and weed.
I don't remember moving to the bed, or moving anywhere around the apartment.
I remember the pictures and videos he was showing me on the computer screen, his homemade porn. Her jacking him off.
I remember a weirdly confident feeling, that no one could hurt me. Why??????
Then he was calling her to come back. He told me she was going to give me a full body massage.
I remember her coming back, I think she was excited. I remember her approaching me where I was sitting on the bed.

I don't know if she reached out and touched me right away. It all went black after this point. And this is what I'm fucking OBSESSED with. Why are there absolutely NO memories of anything after that point? How long was I there? I'm missing at least 12 hours of my life. Because I remember nothing from the point when she approached me on the bed on the bed that night to the point where I woke up in my own bed, in my own apartment next door.

I'll spare most of the details for once, but the evidence was screaming in my face when I woke up. I woke up without pants, my ass was sore, my apartment was in disarray (or more so than usual). I was quick to dismiss it and clean everything up. A month or so before this happened, some girl gave me advice: "if you can't remember the night you were drunk, there's a reason you don't want to remember."

This is driving me insane. There is only complete blackness from the time she approached me to the time I woke up. No flashes, or fragmented memories, or even nightmares. At this point I would give anything for a flashback just to know the details. How can my memory betray me so? Maybe it's a "blessing" that I can't remember, but I just can't leave it alone.

This happened over three years ago. I'm in therapy and I'm on medication. Why do I feel so fucking stuck? I feel like I need to know the dirty disgusting details before I can heal from this.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't know how I feel right now. I need to be doing my engineering homework right now, but I just can't focus. My thoughts keep getting pulled away to stare into this black hole in my brain, where my memories went to die.

I don't even know how to express these feelings to my therapist, because I can't understand how I feel. What do I do now?

July 2016

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