Pandora's Aquarium: Letter to Myself - Pandora's Aquarium

Did you just want to hurt yourself?

Is that why you stayed? Why you didn't just get up and walk away?

Was it because you just wanted to get trashed? Like always. And it's so hard for an 18 year old girl with no friends to get her alcohol, isn't it?

18 years old. You were an adult. You should have known better. I guess it isn't your fault though. Your mom knew, she'd been there. But she didn't teach you better.

Don't blame her. You know you did it to yourself. Because you just wanted to hurt yourself.

That's why you didn't leave when you felt uncomfortable. It was a foreign situation to you,sitting in their apartment trying to make friends. I do feel bad for you, but it's hard not to be mad. They told you why you wanted you there, about her affair and his little revenge agreement. That stupid whore and that peice of shit felon. It's their fault too, of course.
They were disgusting people. But you knew they were disgusting. You felt uncomfortable around him from the beginning, from the first time you saw him. Your mom said hi to him though. She raised you right didn't she? She raised you to always expect the best of people.

But why? You know they weren't the best of people. You can't blame her for that either.

You went to their apartment because you wanted to hurt yourself. She baited you in with 'friendship' and you ate it up. You sat there and listened to her sob story, about how she had cheated on her boyfriend, how she truly loved him and would do anything to make it up to him.
Anything.
You sat there and drank their alcohol, feeling uncomfortable, pitying her. You actually felt sorry for that bitch. She asked you right then and there.

He said he would stay with her if he got to fuck another girl in front of her, twice.

You said "NO", I'll give you that. But you never said no to him.

They had asked a couple girls before, but he didn't like her friends. They were 'bad girls'.
You were the girl next door. What did you expect?

Still, you stayed there. And drank. While they faught. The more uncomfortable you were, the more you drank. She left for "massage practice". So why did you stay?

You could've just went next door, back to your apartment. Perfect opportunity to leave.

So why did you stay? Did you just want to hurt yourself?

Or did you just want to get drunk like a stupid teenage girl? Did you stay for the free alcohol?

It's possible that he drugged you, because you really didn't keep track of your drink that well, and with the way your consciousness and memories faded away, it really is possible. That's one thing I know your mother did teach you- ALWAYS watch your drink. Or maybe you were just too drunk and you blacked out on your own. Just forfeited your body. Either way you were acting stupid.
Why would you tell him you were bisexual? Why would you stay if he was showing you his home made porn? Did you just want to hurt yourself?

The evidence was there the next morning. You could've called the cops, got a rape kit. They would have realized there was a convicted felon crashing in the apartment next to yours. But you were so stuck in denial, you thought you did something stupid and embarrassed yourself. You cleaned up all the evidence. You even apologized to the rapists.

I understand now that you couldn't handle knowing what happened to you at that time. You probably would've just offed yourself right then. Maybe that would have been better.

Did you just want to hurt yourself? Because you really, really did. And it's not just you. It killed your fiance. Your mom wishes she hadn't had a female child. A daughter is a burden.
But they love you anyways, so when you hurt yourself, you hurt them too.

You really should've known better.