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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
There is still plenty of time and spaces if you'd like to sign up for the Guest Speaker Chat scheduled for this Saturday!
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(((TRIGGER WARNING)))
I said no to her. I didn't say no to him, but I never said yes either.
She explained their arrangement to me early on. She told me that she had cheated on him, her boyfriend, Dice (it gives me chills typing his name), with his two "brothers". He told her the only way he would stay with her was if he got to fuck two different girls, while she watched. She asked if I was interested. Obviously I said no.
I told her I was interested in someone else at the time and I didn't want to fuck things up with him. She seemed totally respectful of that. She told me not to fuck things up like she had.
I have no idea how much I drank that night, but I know that I was drunker than I had ever been before. The girlfriend, Caitlin, left for "massage practice". For the life of me, I have no idea why I stayed. Why did I feel so trapped there? Was I too drunk? Things started getting fuzzy around the time she left.
We talked about weed a little and for some reason he gave me a free nug. The subject of cocaine came up. He offered, but I said I was too drunk to try it. Instead, he brought me over to sit next to him on the bed so I could see his computer screen. He started flipping through pictures of his own dick with Caitlin jacking him off. I kept drinking the more uncomfortable I felt. It gets fuzzier and fuzzier. One thing he said still rings in my head:
"Have you ever seen a cock this big?"
Embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer. I said "yes" because I didn't want to take his challenge. He started playing a video of his girlfriend jacking him off, asking me about her technique or something. I don't know why I said what I did next. I don't understand where it came from.
I told him I was bisexual.
I guess I meant to tell him I was a lesbian or something. Something so he'd leave me alone. I remembered seeing him with that butch girl outside of the building. I don't know why I thought this would turn him off.
Another chunk of time went by in a blur as he called his girlfriend to come back to the apartment. I remember asking him why and he said she was going to give me a "full body massage". I didn't want one. I don't know if I managed to say it. Did I tell him I didn't want one? Did I move off the bed back to the couch? Did I go to the bathroom to try to throw up and sober up? Did I stay on the bed and continue to drink? Why can't I remember anything?
She came back. I remember him telling her that I wanted a full body massage. I remember her getting excited or something. I think I tried to tell her I didn't want one. Did I say only my back? I think I tried to sit up so my feet were over the edge of the bed so she could rub my back. I think they turned me around so I was lying down on my stomach. It's so fucking blurry. I don't know what happened. Even if I could remember, how could I be sure that memory was real? Do I even want to recover it?
No matter what the details were, the evidence is clear to me.
I told her no when I was completely sober.
The last thing I remember is seeing his homemade porn and the words "full body massage".
Then nothing.
Then I woke up in my apartment, in my panties.
And I had shit myself.
And I'll admit it now: "It felt like something had been shoved up my ass".
I have never, in my life been so drunk that I shit myself. On that night I may have been drugged, or I may have just been more drunk than ever before. But it is clear to me that they sodomized me, somehow. I don't know if I was awake or semi-awake, whether or not I fought, or if I was just completely unconscious from the point where they laid me down on my stomach.
Whatever state I was in, I was clearly unable to give consent. But he took so much from me that night. And she just sat there and watched. I don't care if she did call the cops on him later. She was guilty too and she got to get away scott free. She probably feels like she made peace with it while I'm left with the guilt. I knew I should have left earlier, that's why I know I deserve some guilt, but I didn't ask to be sodomized. No matter what state I was in, I would never fuck a stranger, let alone let him fuck me in the ass.
Nothing could have made me consent to that.
So yes, it was rape.
I said no to her. I didn't say no to him, but I never said yes either.
She explained their arrangement to me early on. She told me that she had cheated on him, her boyfriend, Dice (it gives me chills typing his name), with his two "brothers". He told her the only way he would stay with her was if he got to fuck two different girls, while she watched. She asked if I was interested. Obviously I said no.
I told her I was interested in someone else at the time and I didn't want to fuck things up with him. She seemed totally respectful of that. She told me not to fuck things up like she had.
I have no idea how much I drank that night, but I know that I was drunker than I had ever been before. The girlfriend, Caitlin, left for "massage practice". For the life of me, I have no idea why I stayed. Why did I feel so trapped there? Was I too drunk? Things started getting fuzzy around the time she left.
We talked about weed a little and for some reason he gave me a free nug. The subject of cocaine came up. He offered, but I said I was too drunk to try it. Instead, he brought me over to sit next to him on the bed so I could see his computer screen. He started flipping through pictures of his own dick with Caitlin jacking him off. I kept drinking the more uncomfortable I felt. It gets fuzzier and fuzzier. One thing he said still rings in my head:
"Have you ever seen a cock this big?"
Embarrassed, I didn't know how to answer. I said "yes" because I didn't want to take his challenge. He started playing a video of his girlfriend jacking him off, asking me about her technique or something. I don't know why I said what I did next. I don't understand where it came from.
I told him I was bisexual.
I guess I meant to tell him I was a lesbian or something. Something so he'd leave me alone. I remembered seeing him with that butch girl outside of the building. I don't know why I thought this would turn him off.
Another chunk of time went by in a blur as he called his girlfriend to come back to the apartment. I remember asking him why and he said she was going to give me a "full body massage". I didn't want one. I don't know if I managed to say it. Did I tell him I didn't want one? Did I move off the bed back to the couch? Did I go to the bathroom to try to throw up and sober up? Did I stay on the bed and continue to drink? Why can't I remember anything?
She came back. I remember him telling her that I wanted a full body massage. I remember her getting excited or something. I think I tried to tell her I didn't want one. Did I say only my back? I think I tried to sit up so my feet were over the edge of the bed so she could rub my back. I think they turned me around so I was lying down on my stomach. It's so fucking blurry. I don't know what happened. Even if I could remember, how could I be sure that memory was real? Do I even want to recover it?
No matter what the details were, the evidence is clear to me.
I told her no when I was completely sober.
The last thing I remember is seeing his homemade porn and the words "full body massage".
Then nothing.
Then I woke up in my apartment, in my panties.
And I had shit myself.
And I'll admit it now: "It felt like something had been shoved up my ass".
I have never, in my life been so drunk that I shit myself. On that night I may have been drugged, or I may have just been more drunk than ever before. But it is clear to me that they sodomized me, somehow. I don't know if I was awake or semi-awake, whether or not I fought, or if I was just completely unconscious from the point where they laid me down on my stomach.
Whatever state I was in, I was clearly unable to give consent. But he took so much from me that night. And she just sat there and watched. I don't care if she did call the cops on him later. She was guilty too and she got to get away scott free. She probably feels like she made peace with it while I'm left with the guilt. I knew I should have left earlier, that's why I know I deserve some guilt, but I didn't ask to be sodomized. No matter what state I was in, I would never fuck a stranger, let alone let him fuck me in the ass.
Nothing could have made me consent to that.
So yes, it was rape.
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As to your title, I'm not sure if you were actually aiming that as a question, but I'll answer it anyway. I didn't remember a lot of it until years later. But then, as my symptoms lessened I was able to realize why I had suffered for so long. I could remember that I did say no, that I felt threatened and after much pushing and yelling on his side, was forced to consent for my safety. So yes, I did consent at one point. But made it clear repeatedly during that I wanted it to stop. It didn't, and I was held down. In the end, even though I clearly said no again, nothing was stopped. That's how I know.
I originally started writing as therapy, when my therapist was on vacation. I started by asking myself a series of questions and answering them without inhibition. I decided to put these writings in this blog to start sharing my story.
Even though the questions were directed at myself, it makes me very happy that other people are willing to share their story with me. Sometimes it's easier to break these big events down into compartmented questions, to make it more manageable.
One big thing i've been struggling with is remembering the parts I lost. No one has been able to tell me if it's possible to recover my memories, but I guess that's okay for now. Thank youso much for your comment and for sharing your story. I'm here if you ever need to talk, or even just vent :]
hugs and prayers if you want them
<3
Alison