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this blog is very long very detailed and very graphic. im honestly not completely sure how i was able to remember or type that painful day in my past... please continue with caution.
ok i think im ready to share part of my story..... ill start in the beggining because it where it all started for one and secondly its the easier part for me to share compared to later in my life. befor you continue to read i will caution all readers this is going to be very graphic and alot of which might be triggers. i dont wish to put anyone in an uncomfortable postion because they had read this. this is going to be the beginning of my abuse and its involving alot of courage on my part to even have enough courage to share as much as i am about to. this all is very hard for me to share and im really sorry if it is hard to read. ok here it goes i guess. i only remember it starting when i was three... it may have started earlier but i dont remeber it.... i was just sitting in the basement playing with my barbies like i did everyday... my cousins were over and my older male cousin was upstairs in my room playing videogames. me and my female cousin were like i said in the basement playing with barbies. well at least i was she was more like sucking on them since she was teething at the time and her father came down stairs and put on one of the kids movies he had just bought. my cousin automatically started watching it. there was a spare bedroom down stairs and my uncle told me to fallow him that he had something to show me...... being as small and trusting as i was i fallowed him... he closed the door behind us. he asked if i trusted him.... i said yes... he then said "you love your uncle very much dont you?" i said the best i could being three.... yes i love you uncle.... then he said that he wanted to have a secret just between us...... my grandparents were trying to teach me at the time that there were good and bad secrets. so i asked good or bad secret? he said that it was a very good secret that i could never tell anyone or bad things would happen and no one would believe me... so being so little and loving the man who was one of my father figures i agreed to not tell about our secret. so he told me that we were going to play a little game and the rules were that i had to take off a peice of my clothes and he would do the same. i didnt understand the game but i went along with it. so he told me to take off my shirt so i did..... then he took off his shirt.... he tried to make this "game" fun so he started tickling me... back then i liked being tickled and held. it was how i knew love was shown in not a bad way. then he told me to take off my pants...... so i did.... then he took off his... he began to tickle my feet and say that a good little girl..... then he took off his pants...... then he told me to take off my purple barnie pantie......... i hesitated and he told me that i was being a bad girl and that only good little girls deserve the present he had for me........ so i said ill be a good little girl... i wont be a bad girl i promise....... so he told me "take off your panties if you want to be my good little girl"..... so i did what i was told. i didnt want to be a bad girl and not be loved. i wanted to be a good girl. then he took off his underwear...... i saw his thing and asked what that was. he told me that it was a toy for only very good girls..... i wanted to be a very good girl and to be loved. i said i want to be a very good girl! he told me that if i wanted to be a very good girl to lay down on the bed. so i did what i was told...... he told me to spread my legs so he could see if i was a very good girl or not..... so i spread my little legs. he told me to hold very still and to not make a sound or i would be a very bad little girl and he would never love me again.... i stared crying begging him to still love me and help me be a very good girl... he told me to stop crying and hold very still and very quiet..... i laid there as quiet and as still as i could. he started at my feet just massaging them and working up my legs just rubbing them. i almost started to giggle alittle when he got to my knees and he got a strict voice and told me i was being a bad girl...... so i stopped and fought the giggles.... he moved higher up my legs. i started to close my legs and he pulled them open again and told me i was being a very bad little girl...... so i let him open them again..... he grabbed me by the hips and slid my naked little body closer to him and moved hishands up my body to my nipples....... he started drawing little circles with his fingers around them..... he layed down next to me and started licking them as he moved his hands back down my body. he stopped licking my nipples and told me to kiss him... so i did what most little kids do the little peck kiss on the cheek..... he asked me if i wanted to have a specail kiss just for when we were alone.... i said yes just cause my gma taught me that rubbing two peoples noses together was a kiss as well. so he kissed me on the lips and held his lips to mine as his hand got lower. he pulled his lips away and said i was a great kisser and he wanted to show me another kiss..... he told me to open my mouth...... so i did.... he put his lips to mine again and put his tounge in my mouth and started moving it around..... it didnt feel right..... my head was against the bed and i couldnt pull away...... he finally pulled away and said thats my really good little girl..... he the asked for another and i tried to say no but he said if i didnt i was going to be a really bad little girl...... i told him i wanted to be a good girl..... he told me that i had to kiss his to be a good little girl again.... so i let him kiss me again.... again he put his tounge in my mouth..... this time he put his hand inbetween my legs and started rubbing me....... i started to squirm....... thats when he moved his hand lower and put his fingers...... he put them inside me. i tried to scream but i couldnt with his tounge still in my mouth.... i tried to squirm away but the pain just got more intense.......... i stopped fighting it i let him move them in and out of me..... i let him take away my innocents..... after he got done he pulled them out of me and stoped "kissing" me....... he said thats a really good little girl...... i couldnt move...... it hurt so bad...... his nails had dug into me....... i noticed red stuff coming out of me......... i felt like i was dying.... i felt so much pain....... i went numb....... i was wishing he was done....... i was wishing i was a very good girl so he would love me...... he then told me to sit up that he had a better surprise for me......... i could barely speak with all the pain i was still feeling....... i asked what the surprise was.... he said i get to play with his special toy but again it had to be our special secret....... i noticed that this "toy" had gotten bigger...... i asked how do i play with it..... he said there were many was for good little girls to play with this kind of toy...... he grabbed my hands gently and put them on this "toy"....... and showed me how to move my hands just the right way.... he started making funny noises......... so i started to stop... he told me that if i ways a very good little girl i would keep playing and that this toy could be something for me to suck on if i wanted to be a really good little girl......... so i started playing with the "toy" again and started sucking on the tip.... he started making louder noises.... and told me i was being very good and that i shouldnt stop till he told me to stop........ so i kept doing what he told me...... my mouth started getting tired to i asked if if i could stop. he told me to lay down again......... so i laid back down and feared the pain that he had already put me in......... then he told me to open my legs again.... so i did...... instead of laying next to me he got inbetween my legs..... he didnt put the toy in me..... he used one hand to play with his toy himself and then used the other to start the pain all over again being more rough about it...... he laid on top of me with on hand still on the toy and the other still with a finger inside me and started rubbing his "toy" up against my privates.... he forced me to kiss him again this time not letting me make any sounds. he started making weird sounds himself though. finally he stoped kissing me...... i stopped squirming and stopped making and sounds. i just laid there silently crying.... silently wishing it would end.... he pulled his finger out..... he put the tip of the toy against my privates and kept playing with his toy....... he started moving his hips slightly and the tip touched the hole of my little privates..... he didnt let it go in.... i just laying in pain.... finally his toy started leaking white sticky stuff and he put the tip of his toy slightly in my little priavates hole..... he kept playing with his toy....... until all the white sticky stuff was out of the toy and inside my little body...... he told me he had to fill my doughnut so that i could be a very good little girl....... he didnt fully penetrate me.... just enough so that none of the white sticky stuff would get on the bed. i begged for it to be over...... he said he had to eat my doughnut first so no one would know about our secret...... at that point i didnt want anyone to know..... i didnt even want to know....... i asked if it was going to hurt like the other things.... he said no that it would feel good and take away the pain..... so i let him put his face inbetween my legs...... he lied though..... he said it wasnt going to hurt..... as soon as he started to put his tounge inside me i almost screamed so he put his hand over my mouth..... i laid there is so much pain..... so much agony....... laid there afraid....... he licked all of the white sticky stuff out and told me i was a very good little girl and that he loved me more than ever now...... i believed him so i was happy and smiled at him..... he told me to put on my clothes and go play with my barbies and not to tell anyone about our little secrets....... i did as i was told...... little did i realize i was going to be in that pain agian and again and in more ways.....